Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays! This week’s question comes from Ben*, who writes, “How do I – gently – encourage my girlfriend to be more interested during sex? I know this is terrible to say, but sometimes she just lies there like a dead fish. I think she thinks she’s doing me a favor by having sex, but I hate knowing that she’s not enjoying it. I’d rather have sex less often, but have her be into it every time.”

Hi Ben,

Thanks for the question!

I think a lot of women assume that men always want to get their rocks off regardless of the circumstances. While this may be true for some guys, I think the majority of men would prefer to have partners who seem genuinely enthusiastic about sex. Sex just isn’t that fun if you can tell that your partner is bored, distant, distracted, or not into it.

Here are some suggestions for getting your girlfriend to be more present and engaged during sex:

 

Stop and try to reconnect

If you notice her seeming distant, don’t keep pounding away! Stop whatever you were doing, and take a moment to try to reconnect with her. Make eye contact with her, kiss her, or stroke her face. Give her a little smile and a sly, “hey there.” Or tell her, “I love you.”

In general, I’d recommend trying to keep these moments light and breezy. You don’t want to put her on guard by peppering her with questions. But if it seems like something is genuinely bothering her in the moment, you can ask, “where’s your mind right now?”

 

Switch things up

If what you were doing was feeling stale and unexciting, don’t keep doing it. Try switching positions or change up your speed. Or take a break from sex and go back to foreplay.

You can also try to focus more on her pleasure in those moments. Are there certain things you know she likes?

 

Use the right questions

Lots of men respond to “dead fish” sex by asking their partner what she wants in the moment.  Unfortunately, the question “what do you want to do?” is likely to make her freeze up. It’s such a broad question, and can feel overwhelming.

Instead, try giving her two options to choose from. Like, “do you want to flip over, or do you want to get on top?” It will be much easier for her to give you feedback when she have options laid out in front of her.

 

Ask her about it another time

Initiate a conversation with her outside of the bedroom, a few hours or the next day after having “dead fish” sex. Tell her, “the last time we had sex, it seemed like you weren’t very present. I’m not sure if I was just imagining it, but it made me wonder if there’s anything we can do to help you enjoy sex more.” Notice how I used the word “we”? You want to emphasize that this is something the two of you can work on together.

If you get the sense that she’s saying yes to sex just as a favor, you can let her know that it’s OK  to say no to sex or suggest a different activity. Say something like, “I hope you know that I only want you to have sex with me when you’re genuinely into it. Your pleasure is important to me If you’re not in the mood for sex, we can do something else, or not do anything physical.”

 

I hope this helps!

 

* All names changed for privacy