Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays! Every other week, I address a sex therapy or sex coaching question from a reader. This week’s question comes from Greg*, who writes, “my girlfriend is always telling me that it feels like I’m not ‘with her’ during sex. I don’t really understand what she means, but when I’ve tried to get her to explain, she says she can’t put it into words. I’m starting to get really frustrated. I can’t live up to her expectations if she can’t even tell me what they are.”

Hi Greg,

Thanks for the question! This is something that I hear all the time from my heterosexual male clients. A lot of men feel confused about what “being present” means. I can’t tell you exactly what your girlfriend is looking for, but I can give you some general guidelines based on my experience!

First, let’s talk about what being present means.

Have you ever had a conversation where you could tell the person wasn’t listening to you? They may even have been looking you in the eyes or responding to your comments, but you just knew they were in their own little world?

This is a perfect example of not being present, and that same dynamic can come up during sex. You can be on top of your partner, inside of her, but somewhere totally different mentally.

When she asks you to be present, she’s saying she wants to know that you’re not stressing about work, thinking about another woman, or off in lala land. She wants to feel like she has your full attention.

Now let’s go over some techniques you can use to be more present during sex.

 

Consider the role of performance anxiety

Most men feel a lot of pressure to perform when it comes to sex. If you’re stuck in your head worried about your erection, your orgasm, or hers, it’s going to be pretty tricky for you to be there with her emotionally. Performance anxiety is the number one reason my male clients come in to see me.

 

Set yourselves up for success

Take some time to connect with her before you guys jump in the sack. Make sure you’re both in the right state of mind to even have any semblance of intimacy. Turn off your phones, laptops, and the TV. Talk to each other about your days.

 

Go slow

It can be really difficult to be present with each other when you’re in a rush. Take your timer, and focus more on connecting with each other than rushing through the bases.

 

Touch her with purpose

Put a little more thought into the way that you touch her. Really pay attention to all of the little details of the way her skin feels under your hands.

 

Make eye contact

Nothing says “I’m here with you” like looking your partner in the eyes.

 

Talk to her during sex

Check in with her while you guys are being intimate. Ask her how it feels when you stroke her thigh. Tell her how good she’s making you feel when she kisses your neck.

 

Get her on your team

It sounds like you’re feeling like she’s putting all the pressure on you to create intimacy during sex. It’s important for her to know that she has to contribute too!

Women can be equally guilty of not being present. Has it ever felt like she was distracted during sex? Have you ever caught her staring at the ceiling, going through the motions without any enthusiasm, or laying there limply?

Try talking together about ways that the two of you could bring more intimacy into your lives and create more enjoyment and closeness during sex. A Sexploration Session, perhaps?!
 
*Names changed for privacy