If you haven’t yet, I highly recommend checking out Jezebel’s reporting of a study set to be published in this month’s Journal of Sex Research. Researchers surveyed 40,000 heterosexual couples about sexual satisfaction, and were able to identify several key variables to long-term happiness.

Some of the most interesting tidbits from the survey’s findings:

 

Sex once or twice a week is the ideal frequency

80% of satisfied men and women reported that they have sex once or twice a week. Of course, it’s hard to determine whether it’s the sex that makes couples happy, if happy couples have more sex, or if it’s some combination of the two.

 

Trying new positions makes us happy

When asked to name the specific sexual acts that made them happiest, both men and women agreed that trying a new sex position was the most fun thing.

Here’s the breakdown for women:

1. Trying a new sexual position
2. Taking a shower or bath with their partner
3. Getting or giving a massage
4. Wearing sexy lingerie
5. Talking about or acting out fantasies

And for men:

1. Trying a new sexual position
2. Their partner wearing lingerie
3. Taking a shower or bath together
4. Talking about or acting out fantasies
5. Getting or giving a massage

 

Communication is key

When the researchers focused on communication, they discovered that there were five types of communication that were most important:

• Praising your partner for something they did in bed
• Getting asked by their partner for something they want
• Asking for something they want from their partner
• Talking on the phone or email with their partner during the day to tease about something they want
• Asking for feedback on how something felt

 

Men like setting the mood too

When asked more broadly about what makes for a good sex session, men reported setting the mood, sexual variety, and communication, in that order. Women reported orgasms, mood setting, and communication. Men get unfairly stereotyped as wanting sex “wherever, whenever, whatever”, so it’s interesting that so many men emphasized the importance of creating the right atmosphere for sex.

While we’re on the topic, what helps set the mood? Here are the most important variables:

• Saying I love you during sexual encounter
• Engaging in sexy talk
• Laughing about something funny that happened during sex
• Lighting candles or dim the lights
• Playing background music

 

What strikes me the most is that so much of this boils down to effort. It’s something I’ve talked about before. We want to believe that our partners prioritize sex and intimacy. We feel good when our partners take the time to put on something sexy, suggest a new position, or light a candle. We like knowing they’ve taken the time to send us a teasing text or draw a bath. It’s the effort that matters.