I work with a lot of people who have a hard time identifying what they want. We’ll talk about how that issue affects them in the bedroom (“my boyfriend will ask me, ‘what do you want?’ and I’ll totally freeze.”), as well as how it affects them outside of it (“sometimes I’ll spend ages just trying to decide what I want for dinner.”)

Not knowing what you want can feel confusing and frustrating, and can make you feel lost. Many of my clients will beat themselves up for not knowing what they want, adding an extra layer of discomfort to an already horrible feeling. This post is for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about.

Learning what you want can be a complex process, but I’ve found that the easiest way to begin is to start creating some space for your wants to emerge. If you never take the time to ask yourself what you want, never feel open to the answers, never prioritize your wants over others’ wants, or never give yourself the permission to pursue your desires, your wants are going to slowly fade into the background and become harder and harder to identify.

Your Sexperiment for this weekend is give your wants some breathing space to re-emerge. For one day this weekend, you’re going to spend the entire day only doing the things you want to do.

Go with whichever day feels a little more open, relaxing, or commitment-free. Know that you’re going to panic about this a little, and all sorts of “adult” thoughts are going to come into your head, like, “I couldn’t possibly spend an entire day only doing that! I’ve got things to do.” Just roll with it!

As soon as you wake up in the morning, ask yourself, “what do I want to do right now.” If something immediate pops into mind, do it! And as you’re doing it, tell yourself, “I’m doing this because I want to do it.”

Not all of the activities you do will be groundbreaking. In fact, many of them might feel pretty mundane. The first thing you may want to do when you wake up in the morning is brush your teeth or go pee!

If you can’t identify what you want, let yourself sit back and do nothing until a want emerges. This is going to be tricky, and will require some patience, but a want will eventually present itself. Tell yourself, “I’m not doing anything until I feel a desire to actually do something.”

A day can feel like a long time, but I think this Sexperiment can be a way to jumpstart your relationship with your wants.

Happy Sexperimenting!