“I hope this isn’t inappropriate of me to say, but Xander is REALLY hot!”

I got that DM from a woman on Instagram, in response to a video I had posted of Xander in my story. 

At the moment I got the message, Xander was sitting on the sofa in sweats, face buried in his phone, absent-mindedly picking his nose.

But holy crap, did he look hot to me in that moment!

We tend to think of attraction as a permanent state. Like you’re either attracted to someone or you’re not attracted to them.

But the reality is that attraction is always shifting. 

And we have control over how it shifts!

If it hasn’t become readily apparent yet this month, attraction is something that we have to work on sustaining. 

Maintaining attraction takes effort, just like every other part of a relationship. 

So today let’s talk about…

How to create more attraction on a daily basis. 

I know that losing your attraction for your partner can feel really scary, and the idea of “working” to get it back can feel overwhelming.

So today I have your back with 10 simple yet specific ways you can create more attraction to your partner. 

Tip #1: Emphasize quality time

It’s hard to feel attraction to your partner when you just don’t see them that often!

If you want to keep the fires burning in your relationship, you need to spend uninterrupted time together, where you give each other your undivided attention.

Seriously, there’s nothing sexier than feeling your partner’s complete presence. 

Xander and I spend plenty of time together on the sofa watching Netflix, and that does absolutely nothing for my attraction to him. (Sometimes you just gotta zone out, you know?)

But when I can feel him being fully and truly present with me, I’m instantly more attracted to him. 

Tip #2: Create attraction rituals 

I love the idea of creating rituals around how you and your partner connect and fuel the fire. Here are a few specific ideas:

• Create transitions from work time into quality time or sexy time. A lot of you complained about how hard it is to go from work mode into couples mode, or from “lounging around in our sweats” mode into “ripping each other’s clothes off” mode. The answer is transitions! Go outside, or walk around the block, or give each other alone time, and focus on letting go of what you had been doing, and transitioning into what you want to be doing. 
• Have date nights where you get gussied up for each other. Wear that shirt you know drives her wild! Put on your nicest underwear!
• Call attention to yourself when you’re doing something you know your partner finds attractive. Xander loves to ham it up when he’s doing something that requires even the tiniest bit of muscle. We both get a good laugh out of him flexing his biceps when he’s just grabbing a can of beans off the shelf, but there’s no denying that seeing his muscles turns me on!

Tip #3: Focus on mental and emotional connection

Attraction (at least in long-term relationships) is NOT just physical. 

It is built up (or knocked down) by the everyday interpersonal interactions. 

So of course your attraction is going to decrease if you and your partner constantly argue about household chores, or if one of you feels that the other is not pulling their weight. You can’t just separate all that built up resentment and annoyance.

If you want to feel physically attracted to your partner, you need to make sure you feel mentally and emotionally connected to them, too. 

Tip #4: Make eye contact

How often do you truly look at your partner?

If you’re like most couples, the answer is rarely! 

But eye contact has been scientifically proven to increase physical attraction. 

It will feel shockingly vulnerable and awkward at first, but make the effort to make more eye contact with each other! 

If you feel really shy, start with just looking each other in the eye when you’re talking. 

Tip #5: Touch

Touch is also sadly lacking in most long-term relationships.

But just like eye contact, more touch has been shown to increase attraction. 

For this idea, I have a fun little game for you!

Sit down with your partner, and make lists of your 5 favorite ways to be touched by your partner. Be as specific as you can. For example, “I love when you lightly tickle the back of my neck with your fingertips.”

When you’re done coming up with your lists individually, share them with each other!

Tip #6: Practice gratitude

Gratitude can feel like a “hippie” concept to a lot of people, but it plays a surprisingly big role in attraction. 

The more you remind yourself why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, the more you’ll experience moments of attraction to them. 

For example, I love Xander’s eyes. They’re this incredible hazel color that I can get lost in. And I swear they change color. Some days they’re more gray, others more green. If I remind myself, “I’m grateful I get to look into those beautiful eyes every day”, I naturally catch myself looking at him more often!

Tip #7: Show your appreciation

Once you’ve noticed something you’re grateful for about your partner, share it with them!

When I got that DM, I immediately read it to Xander. I told him, “I’m glad I have such a hunky husband that catches other ladies’ attention!”

That brought a HUGE smile to his face, and made me feel even more attracted to him! 

Tip #8: Work on feeling attractive yourself

Sometimes the things that bother us about our partners are actually things that we’re struggling with ourselves.

If you’re not feeling particularly attractive these days, it’s easier to project that onto your partner than it is to come to terms with what it means to be struggling with your own self-esteem.

So if you find yourself lacking attraction to your partner, be honest with yourself about your own level of confidence. Are there ways you could work on feeling more attractive personally?

Tip #9: Do new things together

It’s so easy for relationships to settle into routines, inside and outside of the bedroom! 

The best way to bust out of your ruts is to try new things together. 

In terms of attraction, trying new things together helps you see your partner in a new light, and appreciate them in new ways. 

For example, Xander and I recently started surfing together. I have a brand new attraction to how hot he looks in a wetsuit, and how kind and patient he is when he’s teaching me something.

Tip #10: Keep gathering data

Want to keep working on your attraction in the long-term? Be a research scientist, and gather data about what helps you feel attracted to your partner! 

Keep a list of the times that you’re most attracted to your partner, and see what patterns emerge. What information can you share with them?

This also works for helping your partner stay attracted to you. You can ask your partner, “When do you feel the most attracted to me?” 

Keep coming back to this conversation throughout your relationship!