If you read my first posting about being a better listener, you have hopefully had a few weeks to practice paying closer attention to other people’s emotions, body language, eye contact, thoughts, and experiences. Next comes part two of the listening process: learning how to convey your understanding to another person. Think back to a time where you really felt like someone had listened to you. A time when you felt heard, seen, and understood. I’m willing to bet that this memory brings back wonderful emotions, because there truly are only a handful of things in this world that feel better than being listened to. I’m also willing to guess that part of the reason you felt so understood in that moment is because the person you were talking was able to rephrase your words in a way that made it clear that they heard what you were saying. It’s hard to know that someone really gets what you are talking about unless they take that step to put what you said into their own words and present it back to you. In the therapy world, this is sometimes called reflecting.

When learning how to reflect skillfully, it’s great to start very simply. Listen for the specific words that the other person uses to describe their feelings, and repeat those words back to them. At the beginning, don’t worry about being creative and doing a lot of rephrasing. Just look for the feeling words in the midst of all of the content that the person might also be sharing. The most basic reflection can take the form of, “so you feel [fill in the blank], huh?”

You can start practicing with reality shows before trying this out on a real person. Watch the show while listening for a description of a feeling, then pause to figure out your reflection. I recently recorded a few episodes of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” to find some good examples to work with. It’s easier to find the feeling words when you have sentences in writing than it is when someone is speaking out loud, but here are a few very simple examples:

Statement: “There’s a lot of people that want to be in the music business. And after Beatstock I felt very grateful. I want to keep on going.”
Reflection: “You’re feeling grateful.”

Statement: “I’m really excited that my father has decided to take my advice to not put my mother’s face on the jar of tomato sauce. We’ve looked stupid before and we’ve made mistakes. I think that’s where we are really valuable to him.”
Reflection: “So you’re excited, huh?”

Once you’ve practiced a few times at this very basic level, try listening for more complicated statements. Sometimes people are feeling many different feelings at the same time, and sometimes people don’t explicitly say exactly how they are feeling. Here are a few more examples, along with one possible reflection. Try out another variation of a reflection for each of the examples provided.

Statement: “The past couple of months it’s been nothing but sweat and hard work. We have driven literally every inch of I-95, all the way to Florida, all the way back up to Massachusetts. And I have not made one dime. Every single one of us have dipped into our savings to cover expenses. So if BLK fails, all of us go down. All of us. And there’s nowhere to turn after that.”
Thoughts: The speaker doesn’t directly name a feeling, but he says names working hard, spending a lot of time, and having little security.
Reflection: “It sounds stressful to have all of your time and resources tied up in one venture.”

Statement: “I have mixed emotions because it’s a tremendous investment. But Lauren is doing backflips. So to see that, it’s like, I know my Lauren is in there. It’s important for me to get this store up because it’s going to do a lot for her morale. She’ll be fine. She’s a fighter. She’s her mother’s daughter.”
Thoughts: The speaker says she is feeling a variety of emotions, but doesn’t directly name them. She does name a conflict between the investment aspect and her daughter’s morale.
Reflection: “It seems like part of you is worried about the financial aspect, but another part of you wants to do everything you can to support your daughter.”

None of these examples are terribly complicated, but again, it’s good to start simple when practicing these skills. Stay tuned for part 3 in a few more weeks.

Want more in-depth help with listening skills? Call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to set up a consultation.