What’s your fantasy?

This month kicks off what I’m calling Freaky-tober! We’re going to spend the entire month talking about fantasies!

October is my favorite month of the year. I love the crisp Fall air, the changing of the leaves, and the earlier evenings. And I’m always fascinated by Halloween, and how it becomes socially acceptable to roleplay different characters and explore our spooky, shadowy sides.

During Freaky-tober, I’m going to help you figure out what your fantasies are, talk about them with a partner, and play with them in the bedroom in a safe and sexy way.

To get us started, let me share a couple common misconceptions about fantasies.

Fantasy Myth #1 – Fantasies Are Things You Already Know You’ll Love

The truth: All that a fantasy is is something that turns you on or piques your curiosity.

You can have a fantasy about something you’ve never tried.

You can have a fantasy about something you’re not sure you’d actually like.

In my experience, men and women tend to have very different ideas of what “fantasy” means.

Here’s a fascinating tidbit: In my sex therapy practice, when I ask a man what his fantasies are, he’ll usually rattle off a bunch of ideas. He’ll mention things he’s never tried before or things he’s not sure he’ll like.

When I ask a woman what her fantasies are, she’ll usually say, “I don’t have any.”

Maybe you’ve had a similar experience yourself, or with a woman in your life.

When I dig in a little deeper with her, I usually discover that she feels like she has to know, 100%, without a doubt, that she will love something in order to call it a fantasy.

That’s why I like to be clear that you don’t have to have any certainty about your fantasy beforehand. It just has to be something you’re at least vaguely curious about.

So don’t close yourself off to a fantasy just because you’re not sure you’ll like it.

Fantasy Myth #2 – Fantasies Have To Be Kinky

The Truth: Fantasies can be as kinky or as mellow as you want them to be! There are no rules here!

You can have a fantasy about making out for hours on end.

You can have a fantasy about your partner giving you a full body massage.

You can have a fantasy about your partner being wildly attracted to you.

Fantasy Myth #3 – You Have To Act Out Your Fantasies

The Truth: You may have certain fantasies that you’re curious about trying in real life.

But you are never under any obligation to act on all or any of your fantasies!

The fantasy police aren’t going to bust down your door and force you to try a new sex position or tie your partner up!

Sometimes fantasies are fun to play with because they’re things you know you don’t want to do in real life.

For example, let’s say you and your partner have a fantasy about a threesome, but you also really value monogamy. You can still fantasize about having a threesome. Maybe you talk about what it would be like to flirt with another person, or what it would be like to set up a joint dating profile to look for a third. Or maybe you talk dirty during sex about another person being there. Those can be really hot ways to play with the fantasy without actually bringing another person into your bedroom.

As Freaky-tober continues, I’ll get into more detail about identifying and playing with your fantasies.