I wish I had known this 12 years ago

December 10,2019

This month marks 12 years since Xander and I first met.

So we thought it would be fun to wrap up the year (and the decade!) by sharing 12 lessons learned from 12 years together.

(I know there are some people in our community who have been together longer than either Xander or I have been alive, but we’re pretty proud of 12 wonderful years!)

This month, we’re taking our favorite relationship wisdom and advice, and bundling it up as our love letter to you, so we can all work towards having exceptional relationships in 2020!

Xander and I have been loving making videos for you, so we decided to keep the fun going. 

Every week this month, you’ll get a video of us sharing of our favorite relationship wisdom, and giving you a sneak peek at how we learned those lessons in our own relationship (often the hard way!) 

Since we’re all about sharing practical, actionable advice, we’ll also give you specific tips for incorporating each lesson into your own relationship! 

Here are the lessons we’re covering in this week’s video:

Relationship Lesson #1 – It’s your relationship, so make your own dang rules

For us, this lesson was all about moving away from what we thought our life “should” look like, and instead figuring out what we wanted it to look like.

In the video, we give you a specific process for moving away from your “shoulds” and identifying your core values in your relationship. 

Relationship Lesson #2 – Be honest with your partner about what you really want, even when you’re scared to death

In order to start building a relationship on your own terms, you have to talk about what you actually want. But it can be really scary to share your desires with your partner. 

You’ll learn about one of the biggest requests Xander ever made of me. (It scared the crap out of him to ask, and it scared the crap out of me to receive the request!)

And you’ll get practical with tips for how you can better understand your own wants, and start sharing them with your partner. 

Relationship Lesson #3 – No matter how long you’ve been together or how well you know each other, your partner will never be able to read your mind

This is a lesson that Xander and I have to keep learning and re-learning. We’re so close, and we just want each other to be able to magically know what we need, without any prompting!

You’ll learn practical strategies for better communication, including one tip that will probably make you laugh!

Head on over here to watch!


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!