Love Rachel And Dave Hollis? I Was On Their Podcast

March 26,2019

I have some HUGE news to share…

I was on the Rise Together podcast with Rachel and Dave Hollis this week!

In case you haven’t heard of them, Rachel Hollis is the author of Girl, Wash Your Face (which spent almost all of 2018 as either the #1 or #2 best-selling book) and the brand new Girl, Stop Apologizing (which is already at #1).

When she and her husband Dave launched their Rise Together podcast about helping couples build exceptional relationships, it quickly rocketed to the #1 spot on the iTunes top podcasts list.

I’ve been following the Hollises since one of my clients shared that they were her inspiration for signing up for coaching with me. There’s a lot of overlap between our messages, and I have so much admiration for their business and community. It was truly an honor to be a guest on their podcast!

In the podcast, we talk about:

You can check it out here:

On the podcast, we actually talked about our topic for today…

The idea that men don’t want intimacy/The idea that sex is just about pleasure for men.

We’re also doing something a little different this month. Both Xander and I are writing the weekly blog posts together! I’ll be sharing my perspectives as a sex therapist, and Xander will be sharing his perspectives as a man. We thought this would be a fun way to round out the conversation!

We’ve gone over lots of myths this month: the idea that men are always horny, and want sex wherever, whenever, whatever. They’re obsessed with sex and they’ll take whatever they can get.

All of these myths feed into one enormous stereotype about men: that they want sex only to get off, not to be emotionally connected.

When I’m working with a heterosexual couple where the man wants sex more than the woman, I’ll often hear her say, “I have sex with him most of the time when he wants it. I don’t get why he’s complaining.”

But here’s the truth…

A man doesn’t want a woman to “let him” have sex with her.

He wants to feel that she’s present, and engaged, and connected with him in the moment!

And he can tell the difference between those two different types of sex.

We talked about this in the Rise Together podcast. Dave brought up that he truly cares about Rachel’s experience during sex, and it brings him pleasure to know that she’s experiencing pleasure. They talked about a tough time in their marriage when Rachel didn’t really enjoy sex, and Dave stopped initiating. Dave thought he was weird for caring so much about Rachel’s experience.

I pointed out that because we have these myths about men being obsessed with sex and taking whatever they’ll get, we neglect to realize that emotional intimacy is just as important to men as it is to women.

Men want to feel connected and intimate during sex, and they want their partner to feel connected and intimate too. They care about their partner’s experiences, and want them to feel pleasure.

Here are some practical ways you can battle this unrealistic expectation in your relationship:

Xander’s take:

It’s hard to describe just how bad it feels to have sex with a partner who doesn’t want to be having sex with you.

I’ve been in situations in the past where my partner treated sex as if it were a favor to me, and it never felt very enjoyable (nor did these type of “relationships” last very long!).

To be blunt, if all I’m wanting is an orgasm, I can do that pretty quickly and easily on my own.

But what I’m looking for with sex is to experience something more with my partner.

I was lucky to be raised by parents who taught me that it was OK to have and express my emotions, but I also know that a lot of men feel like sex is the only culturally-acceptable way for them to express their desire to connect with their partner.

If you write a guy off as just wanting sex for the sake of pleasure, you’ll completely miss the fact that he’s really looking for connection with you in that moment.

At the end of the day, we usually just want to feel more connected with our partners. So we all need to remember to recognize the differences in how we seek that connection, especially when it comes to the way that our partner tries to initiate that intimacy with us!

Don’t forget to check out Vanessa’s appearance on the Rise Together podcast with Rachel and Dave Hollis!


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!