Does This Mean He’s Not Attracted To You?

April 02,2019

Before we get into this week’s regularly scheduled topic…

Are you following us on social media?

It’s been a wild week since the release of my Rise Together podcast episode (which is officially their most listened to episode EVER!)

We have so much to share with you, but we don’t want to turn these weekly posts into novellas, so we’re moving some of our focus over to our social media channels where we’ll be sharing daily articles and action-oriented tips and tricks to help you take your sex life from ordinary to extraordinary.

Plus there will be exclusive freebies just for social media followers. (Including a huge free training I’m hosting this week!)

Of course, we’ll continue to offer special freebies here as well, but we wanted to give you the heads up that there’ll be a ton of great bite-sized stuff over there on a daily basis.

You can follow me here:

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming!

All month long, we’ve been talking about the things that we get wrong about men and sex. Today we have another huge one…

The pressure that we put on men to perform in the bedroom

We’re also doing something a little different this month. Both Xander and I are writing the weekly blog posts together! I’ll be sharing my perspective as a sex therapist, and Xander will be sharing his perspective as a man.

So let’s dive into the top three myths when it comes to men and sexual performance…

Performance Myth #1 – A man should have perfect control over his erection and orgasm

We put a lot of pressure on men to perform perfectly in the bedroom. We expect that he should be able to get hard immediately and stay hard throughout the entire interaction. We expect that he should be able to last a long time, but not too long. And we expect that he should be able to have an orgasm, no problem.

I’m not a man, but just typing that out feels exhausting!

The reality is that we are not robots. Our bodies don’t always function exactly as we want them to.

We have to make that OK, because nobody wants to feel pressured to perform like a robot in the bedroom.

Plus, there are plenty of ways to experience connection and pleasure in the bedroom, even if a guy’s penis isn’t cooperating with his brain’s plans.

Xander’s take:

We have this idea of what a man is supposed to be like in bed… a few minutes of foreplay leading to penetrative sex, the man pounds away until the woman comes, and then as soon as he comes, it’s all over.

That’s what we always see in porn. But porn is not a realistic depiction of the male experience. In porn, have you ever seen a man start off soft? Have you ever even seen a man with an average sized penis?

And penetrative sex… if you’ve been on our list for awhile, you’ve probably heard Vanessa talk about how penetrative sex is one of the least stimulating acts for a woman to have an orgasm.

So if you have an orgasm earlier than you want, let your partner know just how hard it is to control yourself when they make you feel so excited (believe me, they will be flattered!). If you’re struggling with your erection, remind yourself that sex is really a menu with a wide variety of options, and it’s time to try something new (may I suggest something featuring the clitoris?)!

Performance Myth #2 – A man’s body shows you what he wants

So many women take performance issues personally. If their male partner can’t get hard or can’t reach orgasm, the woman tends to think it’s her “fault.” She worries that she’s not attractive or sexy enough.

But our bodies aren’t secret indicators of what we actually want. There are plenty of times when a man is wildly turned on, but can’t get hard or can’t reach orgasm.

Just as there are plenty of times when a man gets hard when sex is the last thing on his mind!

There just isn’t perfect alignment between what we want in our heads and how our bodies react.

Xander’s take:

If I had a dollar for every time my body did something different than my mind wanted, I wouldn’t be writing these blog posts ;)

In all seriousness though, let me tell you the story of the last time I was unable to perform in bed…

Things were “looking up” and I was having a great time. But then I started hearing our dogs scratching around outside the bedroom door. This door currently doesn’t latch fully (long story!) and I realized I had neglected to put something heavy enough in front of the door. I started imagining both pugs pushing through the door and hopping into bed. I quickly realized I was sabotaging myself, but at that point it was too late and I couldn’t get myself back into the right state of mind.

But because all of that was happening only inside my own head, Vanessa just picked up on the fact that I was seeming disengaged. Later when I was able to explain what was going through my head, we were able to have a good laugh about it, and she was able to remind me that I could have just said, “hold on a moment; I’m going to slide something in front of the door and then we can start this over again!”

The bottom line was that what was going on with my body had no relation to how attracted I am to Vanessa or how much I wanted to be intimate with her in that moment. It had everything to do with a couple of nosy pugs.

Performance Myth #3 – Once you start having performance issues, you’ll always have them

Experiencing problems with your erection or orgasm can be insanely anxiety-inducing, and a lot of men start to worry that they will always experience performance issues.

But the truth is that these challenges are absolutely fixable!

I’ve coached thousands of men through their performance issues, and I can tell you that not only can you regain your ability to control your erection and orgasm, but the process itself can completely transform your relationship with sex – helping you sky-rocket your confidence and actually bring more pleasure to your partner!

Xander’s take:

Internalizing this myth creates a self-fulfilling prophecy for men. If I have a performance problem, and I allow myself to obsess over it so much that I’m thinking about it the next time I’m having sex, it’s almost a certainty that I’ll continue to have that problem.

But here’s the thing: this is all in your head. If you take the advice we’ve given above – gracefully dealing with your body not behaving the way you want it to, reminding yourself that things like this are normal and focus on all the amazing sexual experiences you’ve had, and stopping to communicate with your partner in the moment rather than trying to force your body to work – these “bad” experiences will fade away into the past.

A special offer: the men’s sexual mastery package!

If you’re a straight man who is interested in regaining control over his erection and orgasm, we have a special offer for you this month!

If you purchase my online course, The Modern Man’s Guide To Conquering Performance Pressure before midnight this Sunday, you’ll also get all of these bonuses:

We’ve loved doing this exploration with you over the past month, and writing these blog posts together for the very first time! We hope you’ve enjoyed busting up all of these myths about men and sex, and that it leads to less pressure and more pleasure for both of you in the bedroom!


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!