Reader Request: She feels “needy” for wanting it more than her partner

October 15,2019

Greetings from South Africa!

Xander and I are here celebrating our eight year wedding anniversary. (We’ve been together for almost twelve!) We take a trip every year to celebrate, and we’re thrilled to be spending it this year in this beautiful country.

We decided to do something new this month and start Reader Request Fridays!  

We’re taking your questions via email and Instagram DM, and filming our answers over video. 

Xander and I wanted our response to feel like a conversation between the two of us, so we’re keeping it pretty casual and off-the-cuff. 

We got great feedback to our video from last week, including this email that made us both smile:  

“Dear Vanessa & Xander!!! This is fantastic!! Thank you very much. Apart from the question being answered, the important thing about this is seeing you as a couple talking about sex  very openly and comfortably in front of us. Has to be liberating for anyone watching. Thank you. Also to get the guy’s perspective was great, thank you Xander.”

Have your own question? It’s not too late to send one in! Simply respond to this email and let us know what you’re struggling with and how we can help. 

If we pick your question, we’ll keep it confidential. We won’t share your name, your partner’s name, or any identifying details.

Here’s this week’s question:

“I am in a relationship with a guy who’s sweet and a good boyfriend who talks about forever. We love each other but the problem is that I want sex way more than he does. He’s fine with it once a week or even less. I’d like it at least twice a week. I literally always initiate and half the time he shoots me down. We have talked about it before but he said he was sorry his libido was low but he felt like once a week was normal. That made me feel like I was needy and gross for wanting more. This is my first sexual relationship but he’s had several. I feel like I am not attractive enough for him to want to have sex with. I love him but I honestly don’t think I can deal with this rejection for the rest of my life, it kills me a little inside every time he doesn’t respond to me and makes me feel less and less attractive. Have any thoughts?”

Head on over here to check out our response! 


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!