I want 2019 to be the year that you create an exceptional sex life.
I want you to feel more confident in the bedroom. Like you can be yourself, fully and unapologetically.
I want you to feel connected to your body and all of the pleasure that it is capable of feeling.
I want you to know what you want in the bedroom, and how to ask for it.
I want you to feel more intimacy with your partner than you ever have before. Like you’re rediscovering each other, even if you’ve been together for years or decades.
I want you to have more sex. (Not just for the sake of having more sex, but because you’ve opened up more space for it in your life.)
I want your sex life to feel like your safe place, full of playfulness and joy.
In order to get you there, we first need to address what’s getting in your way: your sexual hang-ups.
In your responses to my survey from last month, so many of you wrote about the things blocking you from having a great sex life. You shared things like:
•Self-consciousness about your body.
•Guilt about religious beliefs.
•Your partner not wanting to work on your sex life with you.
•Not knowing what you want.
•Your kids getting in the way. (Parents, I see you!)
•Stress and anxiety.
•Feeling too busy and overwhelmed.
This month, I’m going to tackle the four blockages that were mentioned most frequently in the survey.
Today, I’m starting with shame and embarrassment.
Sexual Blockage #1 – Shame And Embarrassment
I’m starting with this blockage because everyone feels shame and embarrassment about sex.
Want to know my current hang-ups with my own sex life?
• I sometimes get self-conscious about taking “too long” to orgasm.
• I get embarrassed about “interrupting the flow” during sex with too many requests or too much feedback.
• I sometimes compare my sex life to other sex therapists and educators, and feel ashamed wondering if my sex life is “too vanilla”.
• I feel ashamed if I try to initiate sex and Xander isn’t in the mood.
• I feel embarrassed if Xander and I go for a long stretch of time without having sex, even if there are understandable reasons why we aren’t being intimate.
Whew, I can feel my cheeks burning!
It’s really hard for me to share this much vulnerability with you, but I’m doing it because I want to normalize that we all feel shame and embarrassment around sex.
I could write an entire book about overcoming shame and embarrassment in the bedroom. But I wanted to give you one specific tool to get started with.
First, divide a piece of paper or a Word doc into two columns.
On the left side, write out a list of everything that you’re embarrassed or ashamed about when it comes to sex. Any idea that comes to mind, write it down.
After you’ve written your list, take a moment to look over it. Allow yourself to have whatever reaction you’re having. If you feel angry, sad, upset, frustrated, annoyed, just feel those feelings for a minute. Take a few deep breaths.
Shame and embarrassment have a way of stopping us in our tracks. They feel impenetrable.
But that’s because most people never even take the time to identify alternate beliefs. They allow the shame and embarrassment to fester and grow even more powerful.
So now, go back through each item on your list, one by one. In the right column, write down what you want to believe instead.
This simple act of writing out what you want to believe can be hugely powerful. It reminds you that you’re in control! You get to decide what you want to believe, think, and feel about sex.
Now, there are lots of possibilities here for what you want to believe. For example, I mentioned that I get embarrassed if I initiate and Xander isn’t in the mood. For what I want to believe, I could write, “I want to believe that I have permission to initiate whenever I want” or “I want to believe that I’m still sexy and desirable, even if Xander isn’t in the mood”, or “I want to feel free to masturbate if Xander isn’t interested in being intimate.” Those are all pretty different goals. So think of a specific, detailed belief or goal that is most meaningful to you.
Finally, re-write your list of the list of things you want to believe. If you have the privacy, hang it somewhere you can see every day. If you don’t, put it on your phone or computer, and make a reminder on your calendar to look at it every day.
You want to make sure you remind yourself of your goals on a daily basis. That repetition is going to be huge in helping you plow through your hang-ups.
You can also use your list in the moment, when shame or embarrassment arise. As you feel one that old, familiar embarrassment surface, take a moment to remember what you want to believe instead.
So, in your own head, it might sound something like, “OK, I’m feeling embarrassed about making a weird orgasm face. But I want to remind myself that my pleasure is beautiful and sexy.”
I know that this is hard work, but I want you to know that transformation is possible!
Here are the things I used to feel ashamed or embarrassed of, that I no longer feel:
• I used to feel too embarrassed to talk dirty.
• I used to be ashamed of my love handles and thick thighs.
• I used to feel ashamed because I could orgasm on my own, but I couldn’t with a partner.
• I used to be too embarrassed to get on top during sex.
• I used to be too embarrassed to talk about my fantasies.
• I used to take it very personally and feel embarrassed if Xander lost his erection or couldn’t orgasm.
• I used to get self-conscious about the way my vulva smells and tastes (even though I know my vulva is healthy, and Xander has told me a million times how much he loves it).
• I used to feel too embarrassed to give any sort of feedback during sex.
So you see, I’ve worked my way through a LOT of shame and embarrassment! And I know that you can too.
Now, I’m curious… when you write out your list of what you want to believe, what are the most powerful things that come to mind?
New Year, New Opportunities!
Since it’s the beginning of a new year, I wanted to take this opportunity to share a few additional updates with you.
#1 – Join my mailing list!
I know it takes a lot of courage to sign up for my mailing list. You don’t know who I am, and you may be worried about the type of emails you would get.
But I have a LOT of amazing stuff in store for you in 2019, and some of it is going to be time-sensitive. I don’t want all of these resources and opportunities to be missed because you’re not signed up for my email list.
If you want to sign up for my email list, you can do so right here!
#2 – Follow me on social media!
Did you know that I write for Allure Magazine and Lifehacker, and have been interviewed close to 1,500 times by major magazines and newspapers like O, The Oprah Magazine, The New York Times, Real Simple, and many more?
I don’t want to flood your inbox, so I don’t share all of those articles here. But if you’re interested in learning even more of my tips and techniques, please follow me on social media!
In particular, I’m focusing on building up my Instagram following, so I’m getting into the habit of doing daily stories where I share extra helpful tips and advice. (And cute pictures of my two pugs!)
#3 – Interested in working with me one-on-one?
I wanted to give you a heads-up that I’m going to be restructuring my private coaching offerings later this month. My calendar has been getting booked up, and it has been challenging for my clients to find the time slots they want, especially on an ongoing basis. So I’ll be switching to a new coaching structure that focuses on longer-term transformations. Because these will be multi-month packages, the prices will be significantly higher.
If you’re interested in working with me, I’m going to be offering special packages just for members of my list only, before the higher rates kick in.
If you’re interested in working with me one-on-one to create an exceptional sex life, enter your information in the form below to be among the first notified when these special packages get released.
There will be a limited number of packages available on a first-come, first-served basis, so if you have even the slightest curiosity about transforming your sex life, fill out the form below!