You’re Not Alone. I’m Going To Prove It. (Your Top 5 Questions About The Big O)

February 12,2019

Thank you so much for all of your amazing questions last week!

In case you missed it, I asked:

If you and I could sit down with some tea or coffee, and have a private conversation about orgasming with a partner, what two questions would you would ask me?

What’s the biggest challenge for you when it comes to orgasming with a partner? What myths have you heard that confuse you? What stresses you out about it, or keeps you up at night feeling anxious or worried? (If you haven’t yet responded, you can fill out my anonymous survey here! I really want to know!)

I got hundreds of responses from you, and I read every single one!

I want to share some of the most common themes that emerged from the responses. Let me know if these concerns resonate with you. Are these challenges for you too?

Orgasm challenge #1: Worrying about your partner’s feelings

“I find it difficult to ask for it in a way that doesn’t make him feel bad about what he was already doing/discouraged/micro-managed.”

“What’s a good way to talk about my worries in a way that won’t embarrass my partner/make him feel like I haven’t enjoyed sex with him thus far?”

“How can I help my partner to not feel defeated when I don’t orgasm?”

“How do I avoid feeling guilty when it’s taking a long time? I feel like I’m wasting my partner’s time.”

Orgasm challenge #2: Mental blockages

“My biggest challenge is getting into the headspace in order to even have an orgasm It’s definitely a struggle to ‘let go’ and be in the moment.”

“How can I get out of my head? I have such a hard time relaxing or staying present.”

“Being able to focus and take the time for me instead of just trying to satisfy my partner.”

Orgasm challenge #3: Confusion about orgasm myths

“Why is it so much harder for women to orgasm than it is for men?”

“Is it possible to orgasm from sex?”

“Realistically do partners mutually climax? Media hypes it and I think it contributes to myth, disappointment and feelings of failure.”

“Is there even a way to learn how to orgasm with a partner?”

Orgasm challenge #4: Feeling like it’s not worth it, or you don’t deserve it

“I can do it by myself. But with a partner, literally everything is a challenge. It’s too difficult and takes too long. A lot of times I can’t do it at all. I just feel bad at the end of it.”

“My orgasm takes too long to bother my partner with it.”

“It’s become so normal that he orgasms and I don’t, it’s like a script that we play out every time, and it’s hard to break out of that script. I think he feels like he’s failed because I don’t orgasm during sex, and I feel like I’ve disappointed him, so neither of us try anymore.”

“Feeling comfortable about communicating my needs. I don’t want to even have needs.”

Orgasm challenge #5: Feeling alone

One of the most common themes that emerged from the responses was feeling alone.

“I see all these women who easily have amazing, multiple orgasms, and it makes me feel bad about my own inability to have them.”

“Is there something wrong with me for not being able to come? How do I stop feeling like a failure for not being able to?”

“Is it weird that I’ve had a decent amount of sex/sexual partners, but I’ve never had an orgasm?”

“Am I the only one who can’t?”

More than anything, I want you to understand that you’re not alone in your orgasmic struggles.

There are so many women out there dealing with the exact same challenges you are, but feeling just as alone as you feel.

It’s so important to me to help you know you’re not alone that I’m doing something I’ve never done before. I’ll share more with you next week!

If you’re curious about these questions, sit tight! I’m putting together something extra special for you, to answer all of these questions and more!

So keep an eye out… Yes, I know I’m being mysterious this month, but once you see what I have in store for you, you’ll understand why. :)


How Much Sex Should You Really Be Having?


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!