Is The Back Scratch Phenomenon Ruining Your Relationship?

March 6, 2018

You have a part of yourself that thinks you’re unworthy of love.

It’s not an insult. We all have that part of ourselves! I certainly do!

That part of you is really good at seeking out evidence that it’s “right.” It looks for proof that you’re unworthy, unimportant, unlovable, and clamors for your attention when it thinks it has it. It’s a sneaky little thing.

Fortunately, there’s a way to wrestle back control from this bully.

But first, a quick story.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved to have my back scratched. It feels good physically, and it makes me feel cared for. It’s one of those simple, everyday ways that I love to be loved.

Now here’s the problem…

My husband knows how much I like getting my back scratched. But unless directly asked, he rarely ever does it.

To me, scratching my back seems so easy. It doesn’t take very much effort. He has the opportunity to do it every single day. He knows how much it means to me.

Here’s what that sneaky little part of me thinks about the situation: “if he can’t do something this simple, even though he knows how happy it makes me, it must mean that he doesn’t love me.”

If it was just back scratching, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But there are plenty of things I love that my husband just doesn’t do on his own. I bet you have the same dynamic in your relationship too.

We all have our own unique ways that we like to be shown love. You may be on team back scratch with me. Or maybe you like when your partner compliments you out of nowhere. Maybe you like being surprised with bouquets of flowers or little treats from your local bakery. Maybe you like when you both put your phones away and have a deep, engaging conversation.

That’s all great, but here’s where we run into trouble: the things that seem so simple, easy, and top-of-mind to you are rarely ever the things that are simple, easy, and top-of-mind to your partner.

The ways you like to be loved don’t always line up with the ways that your partner likes to show you their love.

It’s what I call the Back Scratch Phenomenon.

Even though scratching my back seems so simple and easy to me, it’s not something that my partner naturally thinks to do. But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me! Your partner not showing you love in the exact ways you like to be loved doesn’t mean they don’t love you!

But when these little things add up over time, that little voice starts to get more and more convincing.

So here’s what you do: When you hear that little voice starting to speak up inside of you, telling you that your partner must not really love you, that you must not be a lovable person, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “is this the Back Scratch Phenomenon at play?”

Then, actively challenge yourself to think of the myriad ways your partner shows you that they love you. Maybe they give you amazing hugs. Maybe they spend hours in the kitchen cooking you restaurant-worth meals. Maybe they make sure you never go to bed without a goodnight kiss.

When you’re calmer, sit down with your partner and ask each other these two questions:

  • “What are the things you do to show me that you love me?”
  • “What are your favorite ways for me to show you my love?”

The goal is to find a balance between acknowledging and thanking each other for the ways you naturally show your love, and challenging yourselves to show your partner love in the ways that are most meaningful to them.

hey there!