Can You Actually Solve the Problems in Your Relationship?

June 10,2021

Has this phrase ever been uttered in your home: “We’ve talked about this a million times before”?

So many of the arguments we get into with our partners are different versions of the same argument we’ve already had. And it can feel exhausting and demoralizing to keep having the same conflict over and over.

You need to be able to talk about sex if you want to have an extraordinary sex life. So to kick off the Pillow Talks podcast, we’ve got your back with a step-by-step process for talking about sex in your relationship – even if you never have before. 

In today’s episode, we’re introducing you to the concept of unresolvable conflict. According to research, 69% of conflicts in long-term relationships are unresolvable.

What does that even mean? And what are you supposed to do if you can’t resolve a conflict? Tune in to find out!

Giveaway alert!

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In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • The most common conflicts couples face.
  • Why it’s pointless and harmful to think someone is “right” and someone is “wrong” in a conflict. 
  • Why it’s important to identify the core issue in an argument.
  • How to aim for understanding, not agreement.
  • The importance of apologizing – even if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.
  • The difference between impact and intent.
  • Why should you think of your unresolvable conflict as the price of admission to your relationship?

Here’s a glance at this episode:

[01:04] Unresolvable conflicts

[02:54] What does it mean when a conflict is unresolvable?

[03:31] The most common conflicts couples face 

[07:03] Different approaches to talking about conflicts 

[09:14] Recognize that there’s is no objective right or wrong in a situation

[15:08] Identify the core issue

[19:14] Aim for understanding, not agreement

[21:50] Try to learn more about your partner’s experience

[26:16] Apologize

[32:30] Ways to phrase apologies

[34:02] Think of your unresolvable conflict as the price of admission to your relationship

[35:58] Listener questions: How do we know if an issue is resolvable or unresolvable?

[37:37] Listener question: How do you know if something is a dealbreaker?

[40:40] Listener question: How do you bring up an issue without immediately getting pissy?

[43:19] Listener question: How do you help someone feel validated if you don’t feel the same way?

[45:36] Listener question: Are unresolvable conflicts really unresolvable forever?

[47:54] Outro

Links & resources

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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!