The top 5 orgasm myths

December 19,2019

Orgasm myth #1 – Female orgasm is more complicated than male orgasm

Pretty much every time you see female orgasm in the media, it is accompanied by at least one of these words: “complicated”, “mysterious”, or “difficult.” 

But the truth is that female orgasm is no more complicated, mysterious, or difficult than male orgasm.

Women need consistent and pleasurable stimulation of their clitorises, just as men need consistent and pleasurable stimulation of their penises! 

Seriously, that’s all it boils down to. 


Orgasm myth #2 – There’s a straight path to orgasm

Most women think their arousal should go from 0 to 100 in a clear path.

But the reality is that for most women, arousal looks like a jagged – but gradually increasing – graph.

Right before orgasm, you also hit what’s called the “plateau phase”, where your sense of pleasure flatlines before you tip over the edge into orgasm.

This phase can last a while. A lot of women feel like they get stuck, because things feel good, but it doesn’t feel like their pleasure is increasing. So a lot of women will give up, thinking things aren’t going anywhere.

But in reality, plateauing is totally normal. You’re going to feel like you’re at the same level of pleasure for a while. It’s just your body preparing for orgasm!


Orgasm myth #3 – You’ll know when you’ve had an orgasm

A lot of women think that their first orgasms will be these massive, explosive affairs.

But when you’re first learning how to orgasm, your orgasms are probably going to feel pretty small. 

Your first orgasms are probably not going to feel super satisfying either. A lot of women expect to feel this massive release or sense of completion after an orgasm. But that rarely happens when you’re first learning how to have them.

You know that sensation where you feel like you’re about to sneeze, but then it dies out and you don’t actually sneeze? That can be more like what your first orgasms feel like! 

If you feel any sort of fear or nervousness about what your first orgasm is going to be like, the fact that your first orgasms are probably going to be small is great news! It’s not going to be some scary, wildly different experience!


Orgasm myth #4 – You lose control when you orgasm

Most women are really anxious about what’s going to happen when they orgasm. They’re worried about being totally powerless in the moment, and doing something embarrassing as a result.

So I want to be perfectly clear that you do not lose complete control when you orgasm. Yes, your muscles might contract involuntarily, but you’re not going to completely lose touch with reality. You’re not going to become a different person!


Orgasm myth #5 – Some women will never be able to orgasm

So many women tell me, “I’m afraid I’m one of those women who will never be able to orgasm.” They’ll tell me about articles that I read that said 10% of women are incapable of orgasm.

But there has never been evidence that “those women” actually exist. There has never been evidence that certain women are physically incapable of orgasming.

That “research” you may have read about was simply based on women reporting that they’ve never had an orgasm. But the researchers didn’t gather any more background than that. Most women don’t have the correct information about female orgasm that they needed? Most women haven’t tried learning how to orgasm. For some women, orgasm isn’t really that important to them.

Not yet having had an orgasm is not the same thing as being physically incapable of having one.

Here’s the most important thing I want you to take away from this article: orgasm is a skill

And like any other skill, it takes time, patience, and practice to learn.

A lot of women think that not having yet had an orgasm means that they’re broken. But just because you haven’t picked up that skill yet doesn’t mean that you’re broken!

(And for the record, nothing is wrong with your partner either. A lot of people think that if your partner can’t bring you to orgasm, something must be off with your chemistry. But in my experience, it’s important for a woman to learn how to orgasm on her own first, before she can reliably orgasm with a partner.)

For example – I don’t know how to ski. Does that mean I’ll never learn how to ski? No! It simply means that I haven’t yet put the time, patience, and practice into learning how to ski!

I know that orgasms seem wildly different from skiing, but they’re really not! They’re both learnable skills. The thousands of women who have had their first orgasms with Finishing School are proof!


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!