Do You Hate Being Asked, “What Do You Want?”

November 25,2018

“What do you want?” He asked me.

I cringed. I panicked. I pretended I hadn’t heard him.

Inside, I was thinking, “I have no freaking clue!”

But I would have been mortified to say that out loud. So I said nothing, and prayed he wouldn’t repeat the question…

I hate to admit it, but this little scene played itself out many times over many years. You see, I knew how to orgasm on my own, but for a very long time, I didn’t know how to get there with a partner.

With my very first partner, I did try to give instructions. I would ask for oral sex. I would ask him to move his hand a little to the right. I would ask for more pressure.

But if he did what I asked, and it didn’t immediately feel wildly more pleasurable than whatever he had been doing before my request, I would feel deeply self-conscious. I would feel like a failure. I would feel ashamed for having even asked him to do something for me in the first place.

I very quickly learned to stop asking for things in the bedroom.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was making an enormous mistake. A mistake that you’re probably making in your own sex life.

I thought that if I was going to ask for something in the bedroom, I had to be certain that it would “work.”

I had to be certain that I would like it. That it would feel amazing. But since nothing in the past had produced that instantaneous response, I felt like I didn’t have any good answers to the “What do you want?” question. So I stopped answering.

What I finally learned, years later, was that our likes and needs in the bedroom aren’t that simple.

We rarely know what’s going to feel good or what we’ll like beforehand.

And that’s perfectly OK!

You don’t need to hand your partner a detailed, step-by-step set of instructions, with your signature at the bottom, guaranteeing that you’ll like every single step in your manifesto.

Even if sex did work that way, that would be pretty damn boring! “Hold on, Ariana, am I supposed to be on step 7 or 8? And when you say to stroke your butt, is that with just my fingertips, or with my whole hand?”

Sex is so much more fun – and so much more pleasurable – when you allow yourself to make requests and give feedback, even if you’re not sure if you’re going to like it.

This is something I talk a lot about in my brand new masterclass, How To Ask For What You Want In The Bedroom (And Even Know What You Want In The First Place!)

I’m offering a special Black Friday/Cyber Monday deal on the masterclass…

If you purchase my brand new masterclass, How To Ask For What You Want In The Bedroom (And Even Know What You Want In The First Place!) for only $49, you’ll unlock a $100 discount that you can use on any of my online courses!

While the masterclass is just $49, if you also purchase a course, you’re basically getting the live masterclass for free, plus an extra $51 off the course!

This special deal is valid until 11:59pm PT on Monday the 26th. At midnight, you won’t be able to purchase the masterclass, and the $100 discount code will expire.

This masterclass is jam-packed with practical, actionable techniques for discovering what you want in the bedroom, and asking for it with confidence and ease. You’ll learn:

The six major blockages to knowing what you want, plus how to overcome each.
The five major blockages to asking for what you want, with strategies for plowing through each blockage.
An insanely helpful acronym that you can use to figure out what you need in the moment, even if you’re feeling stuck or lost.
18 bonus ideas for asking for what you want. (This is a super fun list!)

The masterclass will take place on Monday, December 3rd at 4pm PT. The class will be recorded, so you’ll still be able to access it if you can’t make it live.

During the masterclass, I’ll also be taking questions live, so you can get personal coaching! I’ll give you personalized feedback and suggestions to help you overcome your particular challenges.

My coaching sessions range from $450 to $550 for the first session, so this is a tremendous value.

If you’re ready to stop cringing, panicking, and pretending you don’t hear your partner ask, “What do you want?”, and if you’re ready to actually learn what you want and how to ask for it with confidence, this masterclass is going to transform your sex life.

I know from personal experience, because the techniques I’ll be sharing transformed my own sex life. Not only did I learn how to have org*sms with my partner, I also learned how to feel more present, vibrant, playful, and alive during sex.

(If you know how to orgasm on your own, but struggle to get there with a partner, I definitely recommend purchasing the masterclass and using your $100 discount on Finishing School: Orgasm With A Partner!)

There are a limited number of spots available in the masterclass, since I want to make sure I answer as many questions as possible (and since my software has participant limits!). So I highly recommend signing up as soon as possible in order to guarantee your spot!


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!