Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays. Each Friday, I alternate between The Weekend Sexperiment and Reader’s Request Fridays. On Reader’s Request Fridays, I address one reader email. If you have a specific question you’d like answered or a topic you’d like covered, please email me. If you’re interested in counseling, call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to schedule a consultation.
This week’s question comes from Cassie*, who writes, “I’m painfully shy, and have never been able to give feedback to a boyfriend during sex. Consequently, I never end up getting the sex I want in relationships. How can I start moving past my shyness?”
Thanks so much for your question. You are definitely not alone in feeling unsure of how to give feedback. Lots of women have a hard time asking for what they want while having sex, let alone even knowing what they want in the moment.
Since asking during sex can feel like too tall of an order for most shy folks, I suggest starting with talking about what you like after sex.
Have you ever watched a post-game show after any sort of sporting event? A bunch of commentators get together and talk about the game. They go over who did what, all the big plays, and summarize the whole event. You can do this after sex too! You don’t need to go into critiques (no equivalents of “Jones really blew that clutch play in the final seconds” please!), but focus on what you did like. Share your thoughts in a way that emphasizes taking a team approach to sex (keep that sports metaphor going!). You want to focus on how the two of you can work together to keep creating a sex life that feels vibrant and fulfilling to you both.
Here are some examples:
- “You know that thing you did, where you bit my lip? I loved that.”
- “Wow, going really slow like that felt amazing.”
You can also be direct in asking for repeats next time, for example:
- “I liked when you grabbed me and tossed me on the bed. I want you to do that again.”
- “That made me realize how much fun it is when you tease me. Can you do that next time too?”
You’re not limited to only the things you did that particular time; you can also ask for something new:
- “I really loved you blindfolding me. What if next time we tried tying up my hands too?“
- “It was exciting when you whispered how turned on you were in my ear. What do you think about trying out more dirty talk?”
If you’re feeling too shy to give your feedback first, try soliciting some from him.
- “What was your favorite part of that?”
- “Which of those positions did you like best?”
This post-sex wrap-up session is a great way to bond with your partner after sex. It gives you a chance to check in with each other and stay connected, instead of immediately getting distracted by your phones or the TV. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!
* Names changed for privacy