Reader’s Request Fridays: How Do I Give My Partner Sexual Feedback If I’m Super Shy?

May 02,2014

Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays. Each Friday, I alternate between The Weekend Sexperiment and Reader’s Request Fridays. On Reader’s Request Fridays, I address one reader email. If you have a specific question you’d like answered or a topic you’d like covered, please email me. If you’re interested in counseling, call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to schedule a consultation.

This week’s question comes from Cassie*, who writes, “I’m painfully shy, and have never been able to give feedback to a boyfriend during sex. Consequently, I never end up getting the sex I want in relationships. How can I start moving past my shyness?

Sexual feedback

Can I just text you my feedback instead?

Hey Cassie!

Thanks so much for your question. You are definitely not alone in feeling unsure of how to give feedback. Lots of women have a hard time asking for what they want while having sex, let alone even knowing what they want in the moment.

Since asking during sex can feel like too tall of an order for most shy folks, I suggest starting with talking about what you like after sex.

Have you ever watched a post-game show after any sort of sporting event? A bunch of commentators get together and talk about the game. They go over who did what, all the big plays, and summarize the whole event. You can do this after sex too! You don’t need to go into critiques (no equivalents of “Jones really blew that clutch play in the final seconds” please!), but focus on what you did like. Share your thoughts in a way that emphasizes taking a team approach to sex (keep that sports metaphor going!). You want to focus on how the two of you can work together to keep creating a sex life that feels vibrant and fulfilling to you both.

Here are some examples:

You can also be direct in asking for repeats next time, for example:

You’re not limited to only the things you did that particular time; you can also ask for something new:

If you’re feeling too shy to give your feedback first, try soliciting some from him.

This post-sex wrap-up session is a great way to bond with your partner after sex. It gives you a chance to check in with each other and stay connected, instead of immediately getting distracted by your phones or the TV. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

* Names changed for privacy

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HI THERE!

I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!