How to use your Love Language to increase intimacy in the bedroom

September 29,2020

You’ve heard of Gary Chapman’s infamous Love Languages, right? He believes that there are five unique ways that we give and receive love. 

The languages are:

Most people have one “dominant” language that they speak, but others may have a combination. 

You can also have different Languages for how you like to give and receive love. For example, you may enjoy showing your love for your partner using acts of service, but prefer receiving quality time from your partner in return. 

The problem is that we tend to think other people want to receive love in the same way that we like to receive it. But that’s rarely the case! 

Have you ever done something really nice for your partner, but they hardly acknowledged it? And then have you ever done something that seemed small or minor to you, but your partner went bananas with gratitude? It probably felt really confusing in the moment, but that’s because you were using a different Love Language than your partner!

That’s why it’s so important for you and your partner to know your own and each other’s Love Languages – so you can find the best ways to show each other your affection. 

I like taking Love Languages one step further by showing you how you can put them to use in your sex life. 

Sex is an expression of love, and you can deepen your levels of intimacy by trying to incorporate love languages into your sex life. 

Using your Love Languages in the bedroom can also help with increasing desire! If you’re having the kind of sex that feels the most intimate and connecting to you, you’re naturally going to crave it more!

So here’s how you can use each of the Love Languages to improve your sex life! 

Words of affirmation

What it means: You’re all about words. You love verbal recognition, praise, and compliments. 

I am SUCH a words of affirmation person! If Xander gives me a compliment, I’m high on life for at least an hour! 

If your partner likes words of affirmation: Share your feelings for your partner on a more regular basis. Even something as simple as “I love you” can have a huge impact. 

If you find yourself feeling stumped about what to say, try to pay more attention to the qualities you admire about your partner. Are they funny? Generous? Adventurous? 

In the bedroom: Give your partner compliments about how attractive and sexy they are. 

Initiate sex verbally, and be specific about why you want to be intimate with them. 

Compliment your partner’s technique. 

Tell your partner how much you appreciate your sex life.

Praise your partner when they do something that is outside of their sexual comfort zone.

Acts of service

What it means: Actions truly do speak louder than words for you. You love when your partner shows their affection by doing favors, kind acts, and chores. 

If your partner likes acts of service: Get creative about brainstorming the ways you can show your love through actions. Surprise your partner with dinner reservations or a little weekend getaway. 

Is there something they’re always nagging you to do, like cleaning out the closet? You can take the initiative to do those tasks without being asked. 

If you see your partner feeling stressed out in the moment, try to think of a little act you can do to help them relax, like pouring them a glass of wine or drawing a bath. 

In the bedroom: Devote an entire evening to your partner’s pleasure. Tell your partner that tonight is all about them, and you don’t expect anything in return.

To take it to the next level, prepare for your special date night by doing chores or setting up a sexy environment in your bedroom. 

In a broader sense, take action to prioritize your sex life, like planning a date night or finding a sex book you could read together.


What it means: For you, gifts aren’t materialistic. It’s not about getting gifts that are elaborate or expensive. It’s more about the effort and surprise involved. 

If your partner likes receiving gifts: Try to surprise them with small, thoughtful gifts, given for no reason. Write them little love notes. Buy them flowers. Hide a picture of the two of you in their drawer. 

Put some extra care and thought into larger gifts for birthdays and anniversaries. 

In the bedroom: There are plenty of great sex-themed gifts you can buy to spice things up in the bedroom! Some of the possibilities include:

Quality time

What it means: You enjoy being physically present with your partner. 

It’s not just about being in the same room together, though. You want real presence and undivided attention. 

If your partner likes quality time: Carve out time in your schedule to spend with your partner. Make time for activities that you really enjoy doing together, like cooking dinner or going on walks.

Set yourself up for success by minimizing distractions ahead of time. For example, put your phone on silent, or tell your kids they can only interrupt because of an emergency.

When you guys spend time together, do your best to avoid multitasking. Give your partner your full attention. 

In the bedroom: Your partner may need to spend quality time with you beforehand, in order to even be able to get in the mood in the first place. So don’t initiate without connecting emotionally first. 

Practice being truly present with your partner during intimate moments. Enjoy being in their presence. Make eye contact, listen to them, and try to just generally slow down together.

Spend time together after being intimate too! Instead of jumping out of bed, linger for a while. 

Physical touch

What it means: You’re all about that physical contact!

If your partner likes physical touch: Try to reach out and touch them as often as you can. Hold them, cuddle them, touch them as you pass by, and kiss them. Let your hands linger on their body. 

Don’t just put your hands on them mindlessly though; imagine that you are sending love to their body through your hands. 

In the bedroom: It may seem obvious that touch is important in the bedroom, but you’d be surprised by how little attention is given to touch in long-term relationships! In the early stages of dating, couples usually can’t keep their hands off of each other, but that chemistry tends to fade as time goes on. 

Try to build up anticipation for sex by caressing and playfully groping at each other throughout the day. 

When you are intimate, try out some erotic massage. Take your time with foreplay by stroking all over each other’s bodies. 


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!