What to do if you feel more like roommates than partners

February 25,2020

“It just feels so AWKWARD!”

It’s the most common response I hear when I talk to couples about trying to bring some romance back into their relationship.

So many of us feel like we’re just roommates with our partner.

We enjoy each other’s company, but it just doesn’t feel like a romantic relationship anymore.  

So I’m giving you a three-step plan for how  to ease back into being romantic if you’re feeling shy or embarrassed, or if it’s just been way too long since you and your partner have been romantic with each other. 

Step 1: Embrace the awkward

Look, we all get into awkward periods with our relationships. 

But you know what else was awkward and/or challenging?

Asking your partner out on a first date. 

Going in for that first kiss. 

Saying, “I love you” for the first time.

But you embraced the uncertainty and discomfort in those moments, and they’re now probably among your favorite relationship memories! 

You can get out of your rut now by recognizing that awkwardness is inevitable, and can even be a little fun if you change your mindset.

You can convince yourself that you’re too anxious about how your partner will react to try to plan a romantic date night out… 

…Or you could remind yourself that that anxious feeling is awfully similar to the wonderful butterflies you used to get at the beginning of your relationship!

Step 2: Acknowledge it

If you’re feeling really stuck, why not try talking to your partner about it?

Say something like, “I was thinking today about all the cute stuff we used to do when we first started dating. I want to do stuff like that again because it’s what made me fall in love with you in the first place! But you know what’s funny… I feel kinda silly and awkward when I think about actually doing it! What would you think if we tried to get back in that spirit?”

Sometimes just speaking our fears out loud can make them go away!

And odds are that your partner has been having the same kinds of thoughts, and has also felt nervous about initiating. 

Acknowledging the awkwardness can actually end up being a real bonding opportunity!

Step 3: Get inspired

A lot of times people struggle with romance because they just don’t know what, specifically, to do.

So our team got together and came up with a list of our favorite ways to be romantic.

We want to support you by giving you tons of concrete ideas to get your creativity flowing.

You might not love every idea, but you’re bound to find at least a few that inspire you!

From me:

From Xander:

From Jenny (my sister and right hand woman):

From Indira (our customer support expert):

From my parents (who have been together for 40 years!):


How Much Sex Should You Really Be Having?


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!