How to start talking to your partner about your fantasies

October 20,2020

What’s your favorite fantasy?

This month, we’ve been talking about how it can be challenging to identify what your fantasies are. 

So we decided to do something fun and poll you – our community! We’re going to make a list of everyone’s favorite fantasies, and share it with you for inspiration!

Visit this (totally anonymous) form and share one specific fantasy idea.. Note how I worded that; we’re not saying it’s YOUR fantasy, just that it’s an “idea” for a fantasy. You know, to inspire other people! 😉 Don’t worry – we’ll keep everything totally anonymous. 

And since we know this can be a challenging subject for so many people, we also thought we’d lighten the mood and share some funny stories of fantasies gone awry. 

For example, this hilarious New Girl clip!

When we were brainstorming this idea as a team, we started reminiscing about that old show, America’s Funniest Home Videos. This is like America’s Funniest Home Fantasies!

Let me know if you’ve ever tried to act out a fantasy, but it didn’t turn out exactly as you thought it would…

OK, so now let’s move along to my top tips for talking to your partner about your fantasies.

Sometimes sharing your fantasies is as easy as, “Hey, I’m into XYZ. Want to do it with me?” But not all of us have that level of comfort with our desires. 

I’m going to walk you through my three-step process for introducing your fantasy to your partner. 

Step #1: Get comfortable on your own 

It’s really hard to ask your partner to do something with you in bed if you don’t feel fully comfortable with what you’re asking for.

Hopefully all the normalization that I’ve given you over the last few weeks has helped you get more comfortable with your fantasies. Remember our key takeaways:

Keep thinking about the specifics of your fantasy, and identify what you’d actually like to share with your partner, or bring into your bedroom. What aspects of your fantasy really turn you on?

If you’re feeling nervous about even saying the words out loud, you can practice that on your own too. Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying things like, “I want you to seduce me” or “I’m kinda curious about watching porn together.”

This step might sound a little silly at first, but the way you relate to your fantasies definitely affects how your partner will respond to them. 

If you turn beet red and stammer your way through asking for anal, your partner is going to feel your discomfort, and they’ll be less likely to go along with your request.

But if you’re able to ask confidently and clearly, your partner will instantly feel more at ease.

Step #2: Use leading questions

If you’re shy about talking about your fantasies, it can really help to use a leading question to gauge your partner’s response. 

The idea here is that you’re introducing the concept of the fantasy, but without specifically saying you’re interested in trying it.

For example, you could tell your partner, “This article popped up in my feed today that was about having sex with all the lights on, and it caught my attention. Do you think you’d be interested in trying that?” 

Or, “You know that sex therapist I follow online? She sent out an email about fantasies, and mentioned role-playing things like nurse and patient. I’ve never thought about that before. Do you think it sounds sexy?”

Now, it’s really important to keep in mind that your partner may be feeling their own nervousness about fantasies! They may have a hard time acknowledging that they’re interested in trying that thing too.

So if your partner stutters or blushes, you can say something like, “Personally, I was kinda turned on.” That helps them know it’s safe to admit they’re interested too. 

Or, if you’re ready to dive right in and start talking, here are some more straightforward prompts you can use:

“There’s this thing I’ve always wanted to try, but I’ve been waiting until I found the right person.”

“I’m not sure I’d actually like this, but I’ve always been a little curious about trying…”

“What did you fantasize about when you were a teenager? Here’s what I fantasized about…”

“I feel really vulnerable sharing this with you, but I’m only doing it because I trust you so much. You know what sounds kinda sexy to me?”

“Have you ever thought about doing…”

Step #3: Tell your partner why you want to explore with them

There’s a possibility that hearing about your fantasy may bring up insecurity for your partner. 

For example they might think, “Oh shit, my partner is asking me to play someone else in the bedroom because they don’t think I’m sexy enough on my own.”

One super simple way to get around this is to share the reasons why you want to act out your fantasy with your partner, specifically.

The reality is that most people want to explore fantasies because they enjoy connecting with their partner, not because the sex they’re currently having is terrible. So share that feedback with your partner!

Maybe you’ve never met someone you trusted as much as your current partner. Maybe they’re the only person who has helped you feel safe enough to explore your fantasies. Maybe the sex you guys have is so wonderful it feels like the two of you have limitless potential!

Whatever it is, share with your partner why they are a crucial part of your fantasy instead of just playing a role that any other person could play.


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!