A while back, one of my Bustle readers sent in this doozy of a question:

“My partner and I have been together for seven years. Recently we haven’t been having sex very often. I complained about us not having sex, and said I felt he wasn’t/isn’t attracted to me. He assured me this was not the case but still made no effort to change our sex life. About a month ago I came home and he was playing video games. I again complained about him never wanting to have sex with me. He didn’t. He continued playing video games as I fell asleep on the couch near him. He left the video games on and I woke up to move to the bedroom to go to bed and I walk in on him watching porn. Two girls together to be exact. I didn’t know that he watched porn, and I feel really hurt. He said he’s sorry, and that he won’t watch again, but I just don’t trust that he’s not going to continue. I don’t want to say that he can never watch porn, but I also want our sex life back. How do we handle this?”

This specific question has its own set of complications (you can click through to the original article to read my full thoughts). And of course, each of us gets to choose our own boundaries around porn, based on our own values and what feels right for us.

But if you’re looking for my opinion (which I assume you are since you’re reading my blog!), I think that porn can absolutely play a healthy role in relationships.. Porn is problematic in many ways, but the act of watching sex scenes on film isn’t in and of itself going to cause any harm to you or to your relationship. The key, as with just about everything else in life, is to be thoughtful and moderate about how you use it.

So without further ado, here are my top 12 guidelines for porn usage when you’re in a relationship.

1. Don’t watch porn every day.

2. Don’t watch porn every time you masturbate.

3. Take regular two- to four-week breaks from watching porn.

4. Don’t watch porn when you’re feeling anxious, stressed, or upset. In other words, you shouldn’t turn to porn to soothe your emotions.

5. When you watch porn, pick one video and stick with it. Don’t cycle through looking for the “perfect” clip, angle, or moment.

6. When you watch porn and masturbate, regularly take your eyes off the screen and look down at your own body. Pay attention to the sensations you’re feeling.

7. Recognize that porn sex is different from real world sex. Porn is meant to be entertainment, and it’s produced to look as good as possible. Don’t expect things that work in porn to work in the real world. And certainly don’t compare your partner to a porn star!

8. If your partner is around and available, don’t watch porn unless you’ve invited your partner to be intimate with you. In other words, choose your living, breathing, beautiful partner over two-dimensional actors on a little screen.

9. In the same vein, don’t watch porn if you’ve just turned your partner down for sex.

10. Don’t watch porn if you’re upset with your partner or have just gotten into a fight.

11. Watch good porn. There are a number of porn studios out there that are working hard to create ethical porn. The actors consent to everything they’re doing, the acts depicted aren’t degrading to women. Sensuality and real human connection are the focus. Sometimes even real-life couples are the stars.

12. Watch porn together. Porn can bring you together instead of tearing you apart! Watch sexy scenes, and see who can hold out the longest before pouncing on the other person. Or watch porn as you masturbate together.