Can you believe Valentine’s Day is right around the corner?

My friends over at Lifehacker recently asked me for some tips for handling Valentine’s Day when you’re in a relatively new relationship. It’s hard to know how to treat such a loaded holiday if you’re still getting to know each other. Here are my tips for navigating these murky waters.

Don’t Use Time As A Guideline

You’ll see a lot of people give advice like, “if you’ve been in a relationship for at least three months…” I think it’s unhelpful to give time-based guidelines because relationships unfold at wildly different paces. A three-week relationship could mean one or two dates for some couples, and already monogamous for other couples.

Use The Seriousness Of Your Relationship

I think a better guideline to use is whether or not you’ve had “the talk” about being exclusive. Or, if you’re in non-monogamous relationships, that you’ve talked about being serious.

If you’re not exclusive, I would ignore the holiday altogether. Make plans to hang out the weekend after Valentine’s Day; don’t do anything too close to the day itself.

If you are exclusive or serious, then I recommend having a conversation about what feels right for the two of you.

Talk About It

If you are exclusive, but it’s still a new relationship, I always recommend talking about Valentine’s Day beforehand. Anyone in a new relationship feels that awkwardness around the 14th, so you’re not going to surprise your partner by bringing it up. Say something simple like, “I know Valentine’s Day is always such a weird thing… ” Ask your partner what they would like to do, or make my favorite suggestion, which I mention below.

Avoid Surprises

Lifehacker asked me if I thought it was a good idea to surprise your new partner on Valentine’s Day, as a way to show them how excited you are about the fledgling relationship. My answer is no! I’m a huge fan of surprises in general, but a Valentine’s Day surprise in a new relationship is a recipe for disaster. There’s a good chance you’ll overwhelm your partner, especially if you’re not crystal-clear that you’re on the same page about where this relationship is headed. Plan something together, and leave the surprises to a less loaded time of the year.

Handle Gifts With Care

In a similar vein, I would recommend against surprising your partner with a gift, especially an expensive one. There’s nothing more awkward than one person having a gift, and the other person being empty-handed.

Gifts can be tricky in new relationships, because one person inevitably ends up spending more money or finding a more thoughtful gift than the other person, and both parties are left feeling awkward. Have a conversation about whether or not you’d like to give each other gifts. If you do, set a price limit, like $30 or $50. Or set some sort of fun theme, like a gift that you can use on a date.

Do Your Own Thing

My favorite Valentine’s Day recommendation is to cook a meal at one of your houses together. Find a new recipe or two, crack open a bottle of wine, and put on your favorite music.

Here’s why it’s awesome – you won’t have to agonize over how casual or fancy of a restaurant to go to, you won’t have to battle for a reservation, you won’t feel uncomfortable being surrounded by much more serious couples, and you won’t have to worry about gifts, but you can still have a fun night together!

It also sets a precedent that the two of you make your own decisions about your relationship. You don’t let societal expectations dictate your actions. And that’s actually a pretty cool gift!

Happy Valentine’s Day!