Over at my Bustle column, I recently got this question from a reader:

“I’ve never had an orgasm, on my own or with another person. I’m desperate to have one, and beyond frustrated with how difficult it is for me. I’m a classic type-A person, and I’m up in my head all day long, evaluating, analyzing, judging. I have a hard time turning off my thoughts. I have a hunch that they’re probably playing a bigger role with my orgasmic difficulties than I realize. Any time I’m with a partner, I hear a constant stream of negative thoughts like, ‘this is just not working’ or ‘it’s never going to happen.’ Do you have any tips or techniques for how to make those thoughts disappear? It’s bad enough that I’m not having the orgasms; I hate having to deal with my own bullying thoughts too.”

This is one of the most common orgasmic challenges that I hear about from my Finishing School participants. Most of us spend our entire days living up in our heads, then struggle with how to get out of them when we want to enjoy intimacy and sex. Not only that, but we also have to contend with orgasm-specific thoughts like “I’m taking too long” or “it’s never going to happen for me.”

The bad news is that you can’t stop your brain from thinking specific thoughts. That’s just not how the brain works. But the good news is that you can learn healthier ways to interact with those thoughts.

Here are the top seven orgasm-sabotaging thoughts that I shared with my Bustle readers, with specific techniques for managing each.

“I Don’t Want To Make My Partner Do That…”

What to think instead: “What do I do for my partner?”

A lot of women have a hard time letting themselves be the focus of attention. You might find yourself pushing your partner’s hands or mouth away from your body. Most of us are better at giving than we are at receiving. If you find yourself struggling to let your partner focus on you, try thinking about what you’ve done for your partner. Maybe you just spent 20 minutes giving them amazing oral sex. Maybe you’ve tended to focus on your partner throughout the course of your entire relationship. Sex isn’t about being tit-for-tat, but at the same time, if you can recognize that you’re an awesome partner, it might help you feel more comfortable receiving attention in return.

“My Partner Is Getting Bored” or “My Partner Doesn’t Like Doing That”

What to think instead: “Have I asked them?”

Some women have a hard time receiving because they worry about their partner’s enjoyment. You might be afraid that their partner doesn’t enjoy touching you or going down on you. Or maybe you start to get worried that you’re taking “too long” and trying your partner’s patience. (More on this in a moment.) One great thing you can do to help check these insecurities is to simply ask your partner. If you’re with someone you trust you can say something like, “sometimes I get really self conscious about letting you do [fill in the blank]. Do you actually like it?” If your partner is even halfway decent, they’ll be able to give you some reassurance.

“I’m Taking Forever”

What to think instead: “How long has it actually been?”

Like I said, a lot of us ladies can struggle with receiving. Even if we allow ourselves to take up some attention, we very quickly start worrying that it’s “too much.” A lot of my clients tell me they’re particularly self-conscious about taking too long to orgasm. The funny thing is that most people are terrible judges of time. You might think that your partner has been going down on you for 20 minutes, when in reality it’s more like two. I’ve worked with some women who actually benefitted from taking a peek at the clock. It might sound scary initially, but I can practically guarantee you that far less time will have passed than you think.

“This Isn’t Going To Do It For Me”

What do think instead: “Have I given my partner any feedback?”

Most people wish that their partners could read their minds and know exactly what to do in the bedroom. You may have found yourself feeling frustrated that your partner wasn’t doing anything that felt particularly enjoyable to you. If that’s the case, consider asking yourself whether you’ve given your partner any feedback.

If you haven’t ever had an orgasm, you may fall into the trap of feeling like you don’t have any feedback to give to your partner. After all, you haven’t had one, so you don’t know what you need to get there, right? Wrong. You can still give your partner feedback about what does and doesn’t feel good. Even if you eventually get to a point where you know exactly what you need to reach orgasm, you’re still going to need to communicate that to your partner. So now’s the perfect time to practice your communication skills!

“I Can Hardly Feel Anything”

What to think instead: “Do I have any clitoral contact?”

Typically, women have this orgasm-sabotaging thought during intercourse. Perhaps the biggest orgasmic myth that I come across in my sex therapy practice is that women are supposed to orgasm from penetration alone. In reality, most women need focused clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. If you’re not feeling anything in the moment, redirect your attention to adding clitoral stimulation.

“I’m Nowhere Close”

What to think instead: “How does this actually feel?”

One of the sayings that I repeat over and over again in Finishing School is that pleasure is the pathway to orgasm. You’re not going to orgasm unless you’re feeling good. I know it’s easy to get frustrated about your orgasm, but you have to keep redirecting your attention to how your body actually feels in the moment. If you’re enjoying yourself and feeling, keep going! If not, it’s time to make or ask for a change.

“It’s Never Going To Happen For Me” or “I’m Broken”

What to think instead: “I’m going to make this happen for myself.”

I know it’s easy to go to some pretty dark places around your orgasm. So many of the women I’ve worked with fear that they’re broken, and that orgasm is never going to happen for them. It’s normal to have those kinds of fears, but don’t let them stop you from exploring your body and actually learning what you need to reach orgasm. My recommendation is always to start with yourself.