Who are you?

Sexually, I mean.

How well do you know yourself when it comes to sex?

If you asked me, “Hey Vanessa, who are you?” I would have tons of answers to rattle off… I’m a wife, a daughter, a sister, a pug mom, a sex therapist, a traveler, a rule-breaker. I’m smart, feisty, dorky, enthusiastic, kind, funny…” 

But when Xander, my sister and I sat down to brainstorm this month’s new topic, and we decided on the theme of sexual self-discovery, I’ll confess that my mind initially went blank!

“Yes, that’s a great idea!” I thought. “But wait, what does ‘sexual self-discovery’ even mean to me? Just my sexual orientation? How would I describe who I am as a sexual person?”

I wanted Xander or Jenny to ask me some follow-up questions, so I could figure out how to answer! But they were just staring at me with the same blank look that I probably had on my face!

Even though I was embarrassed by my mental block, I knew that there was something to this topic. So I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and came up with some awesome tools. 

This month, I want to give you a framework for understanding who you are, sexually. 

If you want to have an exceptional sex life, it has to start with understanding yourself, your needs, and your desires. Most of us think of sex as something that happens with our partner, but it’s not. Sex starts with ourselves!

All month long, I’m going to be giving you resources to help you get to know yourself and your sexuality better. You’re going to separate what you think you should want from what you actually do want. You’re going to identify the most important aspects of your sex life, and what you really want to do, feel, think, and say when it comes to sex. And you’re going to learn what you can do with this wealth of information!

To get us started, I’ve got a little quiz for you. 

If you’re starting to panic, getting PTSD from your 8th grade science pop quizzes, don’t worry! No one’s going to look at your answers, you’re not getting graded, and there are no “right” or “wrong” answers here. (Remember how I described myself as a dork earlier in this email? I actually loved quizzes!)

This quiz is an opportunity for you to privately assess where you’re at now, and start reflecting on what you’d like out of your relationship with your sexuality. 

Rank yourself for each of the following statements:

How to evaluate your answers:

• If you have a lot of “absolutely”s, then you probably already have a great sense of your sexual self. Awesome job! 
• If you’re hovering in the “for the most part” area, you’re well on your way, and probably just need to dig into a few areas. 
• If you answered with a lot of “not really”s or “not at all”s, this month is going to be a great opportunity to uncover what the answers to these questions are for you!

There’s another factor to take a look at here too: what feelings came up for you as you picked your answers? 

Did you feel shame, embarrassment, or fear? Did you wish any of your answers were different? Did you worry about what someone else would think if they saw or knew your answers?

No matter what your results from the quiz are, know that this information is meant to help you start the process of sexual self-discovery. Simply by taking this quiz, you’re on your way to a more satisfying sex life! Perhaps the quiz showed you the areas you most want to work on, or maybe it reminded you that you’ve come a long way, already. Either way, you are honing the self-awareness needed to get clear about your sexual self!