I’ve devoted the last 15+ years of my life to teaching thousands of women how to have their very first orgasms, on their own and with their partners! I even created the first comprehensive online orgasm course for women, Finishing School: Learn How To Orgasm. Here are six of the most surprising lessons I’ve learned about female orgasm over the years.

Orgasm Lesson #1 – So many women don’t know how to orgasm on their own or with their partners

About 10 to 15% of women have never had an orgasm. There are also tons of women who can orgasm on their own, but aren’t able to get there with a partner.

But every woman I work with feels like she must be the only woman in the world who can’t have reliable orgasms.

Why don’t we realize how big of an issue this really is? Because women feel enormous pressure to orgasm, so they fake it or just never talk about it.

I’d go so far as to say there are more faked orgasms than real ones!

Plus, many women feel like they can’t even talk to their closest girlfriends about their orgasmic challenges.

Orgasm Lesson #2 – More media coverage makes women feel worse

If you’ve had access to the internet over the last few years, you’ve undoubtedly seen female orgasms talked about more frequently. It’s great to see female orgasm getting the attention it deserves, but one surprising bit of feedback I’ve gotten from my clients is that the more they see orgasms covered in the media, the worse they feel.

The problem is that almost none of these articles even acknowledge the fact that so many women have a hard time orgasming, nor do they give genuinely helpful tips for learning how to orgasm.

Without solid instructions, more media coverage only serves to make women feel like orgasm is something they should have already figured out on their own.

Orgasm Lesson #3 – Our orgasmic alienation began during childhood

Childhood masturbation. Yup. Uncomfortable, I know. But we have to talk about it. 

Here’s the thing – as children, we all get the message that masturbation is wrong and bad. But there’s much more of a “boys will be boys” type of attitude around male masturbation – especially around puberty – that the overwhelming majority of boys spend years getting themselves off before they become sexually active. They get the opportunity to explore and discover exactly what their bodies respond to.

Girls are sent much harsher messages about masturbation, and just don’t get that same chance to learn what they like. By the time they become old enough to be concerned about orgasm, most women feel like they’ve already missed the boat. They feel embarrassed about not knowing how to masturbate (or whether it’s even OK to do!), so they just don’t do it.

Orgasm Lesson #4 – We’re more concerned with our partners’ egos than our own pleasure

When I launched my online orgasm course, Finishing School, I thought women would sign up because they wanted the experience of having an orgasm.

If there’s one lesson that has stunned me more than any other, it’s that there are so many women who are more concerned about giving their partners the experience of “making her orgasm” than they are about actually having the orgasm.

I’d estimate that a good third of the women who register for Finishing School give wanting to make their partner feel better as their primary reason for signing up. I hear things like, “My partner gets so frustrated with me,” or “I just want my partner to feel that confidence.” I’ve even heard, “My partner is going to leave me if I can’t do this.”

Orgasm Lesson #5 – No two orgasms are alike

One of my favorite parts of my job has been learning about all of the different ways women experience their first orgasms.

I’ve heard from women who cried during their first orgasms. Women who got cases of the giggles. Women who fell in love. Women who felt full-body waves of ecstasy. Women who felt one explosive pop. Women who squirted.

I know how dorky this sounds, but the range of human experience is just so cool!

Orgasm Lesson #6 – Orgasm shouldn’t be the main goal

Even though I’ve made my life’s work all about orgasms, my true focus has been to transform women’s relationships with pleasure in a much broader sense.

Orgasms are great, don’t get me wrong. But they only last so long.

I teach women how to feel excited about exploring their bodies. I help them help them gain confidence in understanding and asking for their own needs. I show them how to soak up every little moment of pleasure. 

I love it when women share stories with me about all the other fun stuff that comes out of sex: laughing, experiencing connection, being playful, and throwing inhibitions to the wind.

Orgasm is the cherry on top of that sundae, but damn, can that sundae be tasty.