I’m going to say something that might be controversial…

Sex itself is natural, but having an active and satisfying sex life is not.

Perhaps the most harmful myth that I come across in my practice is the belief that sex is supposed to happen “naturally.”

Having to put in any sort of effort into your sex life is seen as a sign that something is “broken” or “not a good fit.”

That could not be any further from the truth.

Having a hot, passionate, playful, and fulfilling sex life requires a LOT of effort.

But that effort isn’t a bad thing!

In fact, effort is actually one of the main reasons why having an amazing sex life feels so satisfying.

Most of us are so afraid of the idea of effort, but the truth is that effort is what makes our actions meaningful.

Here’s an example: Let’s say your partner is heading home from work. They step out of their office, and they happen to see a flower stand directly in front of them, so they buy a bouquet of flowers for you. Sweet, right?

Now let’s say your partner is sitting at work. They’re thinking about how much they love you, and how they they want to do something sweet to show their love. So they start Googling flower shops. The only one that they can go to is all the way across town, and it’s really expensive. But they take all that time, spend all that money, and buy you a gorgeous bouquet.

At the end of the day, you’re getting a bouquet of flowers. It’s the exact same outcome.

But when you hear the story of how those two bouquets landed in your arms, doesn’t it mean so much more that in the second case, your partner spent a lot of time, energy, thought, and resources to get that gift for you?

Would you ever say, “These flowers don’t mean as much to me because you had to make an effort to get them”? No way!

Would you ever say, “It’s awkward that you had to try so hard to get these flowers.” No way!

Would you ever say, “The fact that you had to put so much effort into getting these flowers means something is wrong with our relationship”? No way!

So here’s my question to you – why should sex be any different?

If making an effort is so meaningful outside of the bedroom, why should making an effort be seen as a bad thing inside of the bedroom?

It shouldn’t!

Making an effort with your sex life should be as generous, sweet, and meaningful as making an effort in any other part of your relationship.

All month, I’ve been sharing stories from some of the couples who have gone through my online course The Passion Project: A Couples Blueprint To Rediscovering Desire And Reigniting The Spark. I want to wrap up the month with a note from Daryl and Michael.

“By signing up for the course, we had to subscribe to the idea that our sex life was going to take effort. But to be honest, we both still felt awkward about it. It wasn’t until we had finished the course that we finally understood what you meant about the power of effort. It was a Monday night, we were both beat from trying days at work, and the kids were in one of those moods that makes you regret ever having had kids in the first place! But we had been texting all day about being intimate that night, trying to keep that spark and flirtation alive. When we got home we almost threw in the towel out of sheer exhaustion and frustration, but something clicked for us. We went into our bedroom together and spent a few minutes getting the mood right – making the bed, lighting candles, putting on our favorite playlist, dancing together. After we had sex, we held each other and talked about the Herculean effort that had gone into making sex happen that night. We both felt deeply proud of ourselves and profoundly thankful for each other. It was a truly special moment.”

My challenge to you today is to come up with one way that you can commit to putting an effort into your sex life with your partner.

Even if your sex life is already decent, or even great, how can you commit to making it better?

Here are some ideas:

Put effort into having a weekly date night.
Put effort into scheduling sex.
Put effort into flirting with each other or pursuing each other.
Put effort into learning more about your sex drive and how it works. (Click here to start with my free guide to the two sex drive types and how to know which one you are!)
Put effort into reading a sexuality book together.
Put effort into signing up for The Passion Project!