I recently overheard a group of women at a coffee shop talking about how easy men have it when it comes to sex.

“They’re so simple!” one of them proclaimed. “I wish it was that easy for me.”

I had actually just come from a session where one of my clients was describing the intense performance anxiety he feels almost every time he has sex. I’m not a big fan of comparing or one-upping, but I don’t think many women realize how anxiety-inducing and stressful sex can be for men.

Hearing that conversation inspired me to share some of the most common anxieties I hear from my male clients.

 

Body image

It’s not just women who worry about their bodies! Men can feel just as concerned about their looks. Getting naked in front of someone else is always a vulnerable experience, even if you’ve been in a long-term relationship with that person!

Most men are particularly fixated on their penis size. The fear of not being big enough is present in their lives from the time they hit puberty, and gets re-activated with each new partner.

 

Being able to get and stay hard

There’s a tremendous amount of pressure that gets placed on a man’s penis during sex. Most couples overemphasize intercourse, which is an activity that relies on a man being able to get and maintain an erection. Lots of men feel expected to get hard at the drop of a hat.

Some men get so anxious about not being able to stay hard that they end up sabotaging their ability to get an erection in the first place.

Most men have also had the experience of having a partner react negatively to erectile difficulties. I’ve heard stories of partners getting angry, laughing, making hurtful jokes, jumping out of bed in a huff, and even crying. These experiences, of course, only make it more stressful the next time a man has sex.

 

Desiring sex in the first place

Just as men are feel pressured to get hard immediately, they also feel expected to want sex all the time. They’re supposed to be up for it wherever, whenever, with whomever.

The reality is that men’s sex drives are variable. Men aren’t machines. Their sex drives are affected by dynamics like stress, relationship problems, and health issues.

I also see a lot of heterosexual clients where the woman is the one with the higher sex drive. This dynamic can create even more pressure for men, who often feel emasculated or ashamed for not having a higher sex drive.

 

Lasting long enough

Orgasmic timing is always a tricky issue. The biological reality is that men’s bodies are not primed to last very long during intercourse. Most men ejaculate within 2-5 minutes, while most women require 20 minutes to reach orgasm. That’s a huge discrepancy that creates a lot of pressure for men and women alike!

Men who have sex with men don’t escape this issue; many men still get embarrassed about not lasting very long in front of their partner.

 

Not orgasming

Male anorgasmia isn’t given much press, but there are tons of men who aren’t able to orgasm from partnered sexual activity. When I share this fact with women, the most common reaction is one of complete disbelief.

Since this is an issue that doesn’t get discussed openly, men who experience it feel a lot of pressure to fake orgasm or conceal their difficulties from their partner.

 

Being able to satisfy their partners

Most men aren’t idiots – they can tell when their partner isn’t enjoying themselves. Of course there are jerks out there who only care about their own pleasure, but most men want to know that they are able to satisfy their partners.

The way our society views heterosexual sex, men are supposed to be initiators and leaders of sexual interactions. There’s so much pressure to take charge.

Men worry about not having the greatest sexual skills. They stress about not being romantic or seductive enough. With the whole 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon, a lot of my male clients are expressing frustration at how to be “dominant” or “alpha male” in the bedroom (I’ve even had clients who felt pressured to transform into Christian Grey even though the idea of power play wasn’t even arousing to them).

 

The bottom line is this: we all have stress and anxiety when it comes to sex. No one has it “easy”. The more honest and respectful we can be about our own and our partner’s struggles, the more we can feel like we’re all on the same team in trying to work our way towards happier and healthier sex lives!

 

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Interested in real solutions for performance anxiety and pressure?

Check out my men’s program, The Modern Man’s Guide To Conquering Performance Pressure.