How to get better foreplay so you can start having hotter, more connected, and more fulfilling sex TONIGHT

If you’re reading this article, chances are you want to give and receive better foreplay… but you’re not exactly sure how to get there. Maybe you feel uncomfortable with hand or oral play, or you feel weird receiving it. Or maybe you’re tired of all your sexual experiences feeling pretty much the same.

Here’s what you need to know right away:

👉 Foreplay isn’t a talent you’re born with.

Most of us learned about sex from media and culture, which centers intercourse as ‘the main event’. So of course you didn’t learn a whole lot about foreplay. Neither did almost everyone else. 

That’s why we’re here today, dispelling all the misconceptions and sharing with you…The secret sex hack no one talks about: foreplay is the key to experiencing mind-blowing, toe-curling, ‘can’t believe it’s this good’ sex.

And we’re going to teach you how you can too.

This article breaks down:

• The biggest foreplay mistakes couples are making
• Misconceptions about penetrative sex
• Getting out of your head 
• Mindset hacks that’ll let you enjoy foreplay so much more
• How to enjoy oral (especially for women)
• The best way to ask your partner for more foreplay (without starting a fight)
• The BEST techniques for giving incredible foreplay

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How Men & Women Feel About Foreplay

Before we get too deep, we want to share some shocking statistics that shine a light on the foreplay shortage in male/female couple relationships. 

• 88% of men and 54% of women say they want MORE foreplay
• 67% of women say they feel “too needy” to ask for it 
• 56% of women say they struggle to receive it
• 62% of people say it feels awkward or boring

That means most of you actually want more foreplay — but when you do receive it, it feels awkward, rushed, uncomfortable, or some combination of the three.

Most couples aren’t struggling with foreplay because they’re incompetent;they’re struggling because they aren’t giving foreplay the attention it deserves.

And that makes sense. You were never taught to prioritize it. So you never learned how to do it well. But ANYONE can learn how to give and receive foreplay with the right attitude and techniques. And we promise… practicing the art of turning each other on and getting each other off is essential to consistently having the best sex of your life. Allow us to elaborate.

Misconceptions About Foreplay & Sex

We live in a world where we’re programmed to think about sex in terms of male pleasure. We don’t say this to be controversial or blame anyone, it’s just the way things have been for a long time. If you’re a man reading this, we’re happy you’re here because if you’re exploring how to give your partner better foreplay, you’re already a step further than most. 

We often think of penetrative sex as the only “sex,” and anything else isn’t the real deal. The word foreplay is partially to blame for this. It implies that foreplay is something that happens before the main event. 

For women especially, foreplay is often more pleasurable than intercourse. Did you know 85-90% of women rarely orgasm from penetrative sex alone?

That means if you’re a penis owner who wants to pleasure your female partner, you better start thinking about foreplay (and less about sticking it in). So let’s start with throwing the idea that sex = intercourse out the window. 

The reality is, foreplay is one of the most exciting, intimate, and mutually pleasurable things you can do together as a couple. 

And good foreplay is the key to an incredible sex life. If you’ve been thinking about foreplay as a “warm-up,” then you’ve been missing out…

And we’re here to help you change that. So let’s break down the biggest mistakes couples make when it comes to foreplay, and how to stop making them — so you can experience stronger connection, deeper pleasure, and more “I can’t believe that just happened” experiences.

The 5 Biggest Foreplay Mistakes We’re Making

👉 Prefer to listen? The Foreplay Episode: The 5 Things We’re All Getting Wrong

After 20+ years of doing this work, one thing is clear: there are five patterns that cause most of the disconnect when it comes to foreplay. Here’s what we’ve all been getting wrong:

1. Treating Foreplay Like A Checklist

Did you know 9 times out of 10, male/female couples fall into the exact same pattern in their sexual experiences? We polled our community of millions of people about what sex typically looks like in their relationships, one pattern showed up more than any other. 

The most common sequence looked something like this:

• 1-2 minutes of kissing
• 1-2 minutes of awkward petting, sucking or licking
• Penetration for 2-3 minutes and then one partner (typically the male partner) orgasms and the experience is over

Total? 7 minutes, tops.

The mistake is in creating a formula to get to the “finish line” when there shouldn’t be one. 

By creating a mental checklist that needs to be rushed through to accomplish the end goal, penetration, intimacy can take a backseat. We are humans and what feels good changes from moment to moment. If we’re approaching foreplay as a stepping stone, we’re missing the point…. because it’s actually a tool for much deeper pleasure, not just an on ramp for intercourse.

2. Assuming Foreplay Starts In The Bedroom

Foreplay doesn’t start when you get naked. This is a big misconception! 

Getting “in the mood” actually begins with how you interact all day. Feeling seen, appreciated, cared for, and chosen outside of the bedroom sets the tone for how you feel inside the bedroom. 

Imagine trying to boil a pot of water. If you start with ice-cold water, it’s going to take forever to heat up. You might find yourself staring at the stove, wondering if it’ll ever get warm. But if you keep the water on a low simmer, it’s ready to boil right away. Your sex drive works the same way. The goal is to keep the heat on low, so when the time comes, you’re ready to go! 

We call this “The Sex Drive Simmer”. Instead of focusing on getting turned on (or turning your partner on) right before sex, think about how you connect with each other throughout the day. Touching, kissing, flirting — these small gestures keep the desire alive. 

Emotional foreplay is the foreplay of foreplay, so to speak. And as we already said, foreplay is the key to the best sex of your life. So next time you want to have sex, just remember that foreplay begins long before you’re between the sheets!

3. Struggling To Relax Into The Moment

For many people foreplay actually feels more intimate than intercourse, and that vulnerability can bring up a lot of mental noise. Sitting or lying there, attention all on you, your brain starts to narrate:

“Are they enjoying this?”
“Am I taking too long?” 
“What are they even doing?” 
“Oh that feels good, wait no come back” 
“Should I be reacting more? How about a little moan or something, no wait, that sounded weird.” 

The giver has a script rolling in their head too:

“Am I doing this right?”
“Are they close yet?” 
“My neck hurts, and now my jaw…”
“Do I look hot? Maybe this isn’t hot at all…”
“Does that feel good?”
“Let’s make eye contact, no wait, is that awkward…?”

If you thought you were the only one, you’re not. Almost every other human on the planet struggles with getting out of their head and into their body. We’ll talk about how to fix this in more detail soon.

👉 Skip to The Foreplay Mindset

4.  Rushing Their Way Through

Our lives are busy — there’s no way around that. We rush our mornings, speed off to work, gulp down our food, try to beat traffic, race our way back — and if you have kids — all of this is accelerated by pick up times, soccer practice, and the practical demands of young humans growing up.

If there is any part of your relationship where rushing has the biggest negative impact, it’s in your sex life — because the time, energy and effort you put into your sexual experiences has a direct effect on your connection. That doesn’t mean quickies are cancelled — but it does mean the majority of your sex life should be intentional, aware, and responsive. 

This especially goes for foreplay. If you’re always thinking about finishing with penetration, then you’re rushing through otherwise beautifully connective, super hot, and often more-orgasmic-than-you’d-think opportunities to explore each others’ bodies.

Arousal needs room to build. 
When you shift your mindset out of “let’s get to the good part” and into “this is what we’re here for,” you create space for pleasure. Add in foreplay techniques (we’ll get to that soon) and understanding how your partner gets turned on, and you’re well on your way to becoming a foreplay master.

5. Assuming Their Partner Should Know What Feels Good

When we first stepped into our relationship, no one handed us a manual on how to have the best sex ever – but somewhere between romantic comedies and porn, we’ve been told that if we’re truly soulmates, sex will just happen naturally and we won’t have to work on anything. 

The truth is, most of us know very little about how to give pleasurable foreplay – or how to receive it – and the cyclical nature of give and receive creates a space where pleasure can grow. If you’re not enjoying giving or receiving foreplay, there’s a good chance you and your partner don’t know what to do. 

And why would you if you were never really taught?

The only way you can actually know what feels good for you and for your partner, is by learning how to communicate your preferences and desires, and practicing. 

👉 Skip to The Best Foreplay Techniques

Now that you know more about the most common blocks standing between you and the sex life you’ve always fantasized about – want to guess what the number one foreplay issue is across the board? Getting out of your head. 

So let’s talk about it.

Getting Out Of Your Head During Foreplay

If you’ve ever found yourself running through your to-do list during sex, then this section is for you.

For many people, especially women, arousal is deeply tied to feeling relaxed, chosen, and emotionally safe. That means if you’ve got frustrations or distractions in mind, you’re not going to feel into it. If you’re thinking about work, the kids, or the argument you had last night, foreplay will feel:

• Mechanical
• Awkward
• Strangely stressful (even with a loving partner)
• Embarrassing

Whether you’re giving or receiving, this applies to both. We’ve worked with literally thousands of long-term couples on reigniting the spark between them, and this always comes up.

It’s very hard to get into the moment and enjoy foreplay if your mind is going a mile-a-minute.

Getting Rid Of The Mental Load

Here are three ways to lessen the mental load, get out of your head and step into the present:

1. Schedule Time Together

There is a misconception that sex should always feel spontaneous and in-the-moment. But what we really want is for it to feel exciting. If your life is busy (and most of ours are) block off togetherness in your calendars. It doesn’t always have to mean sexual experiences, it could also mean deep conversations or even just playing together. But the important thing is that you create time for each other that’s sacred, where you get your to-do list done (as best as possible) before you show up.

2. Share The Load

Research shows that couples who share mental load and chore equitably (doesn’t always mean 50/50) have better sex lives! Communicate about where you’re at and help each other out. This division of life-admin and tasks will create a supportive environment which in-turn, creates far more appreciation and desire for each other.

3. Connect With Your Breath

Take 3-5 minutes together, sitting in front of each other with one hand on the other person’s heart. Take slow full breaths and let the world fade away. Nothing matters right now at this moment other than connecting with your partner. Tell each other this out loud. This creates an intentional container for togetherness, prioritizing your relationship and each other’s pleasure.

👉 Check out other ways to connect with your body here!

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The Truth About Foreplay

If you’re still here, we’re proud of you. We covered a lot of information, and we’re really glad you’ve made it this far.

So far…

• We’ve dismantled misconceptions about foreplay
• We’ve broken down the 5 major foreplay mistakes couples make
• We’ve explained how desire actually works on a psychological and physiological level
• And we’ve walked you through how to get out of your head and into the moment

You’re ready for the truth about foreplay.

The secret to the best foreplay of your life is equal parts mindset and technique. 

Are you ready to get and give the best foreplay of your life? We’re about to walk you through 4 key mindset shifts that need to happen, and how that looks in real life.

Let’s get into it.

The Foreplay Mindset

Your brain is your body’s largest sex organ — and it’s time you treat it as such. Here are the four biggest things you need to wrap your head around to enjoy the best foreplay of your life. 

1. Your Body Is Amazing

We have been conditioned to believe our bodies need to look, feel and behave in a certain way to be accepted and loved. All of us struggle with this reality, some more than others. We’ve been programmed to feel shame, especially for women. 

Here’s the truth:

Anxiety around smell and taste is largely socialized, not biological. Eating pineapple doesn’t make a major impact in the way Cosmo promised it would. Genitals are supposed to taste and smell like genitals — not fresh laundry. 

There have been dozens of studies conducted on this topic, and all of them point toward this simple fact:

Your partner likely finds your smell and taste to be super sexy. Scent in particular has a direct line to the brain’s emotional and arousal centers, which is why a partner’s smell can feel uniquely intoxicating. 

ACTION: Your partner loves the way your body is exactly the way it is. You don’t have to DO anything.

2. You Deserve To Be The Center Of Attention

For many women, being on the receiving end of pleasure can feel strangely vulnerable. There’s a reflex to perform, to reciprocate immediately, and to make sure your partner is having a good time.

We’ve been socialized to prioritize being desirable over actually experiencing desire, so when the focus lingers on us, it can trigger discomfort instead of enjoyment.

Men can absolutely experience this too. 

ACTION: Try to reframe receiving as “My partner wants to pleasure me. I deserve this.”

3. Let Go Of Perfectionism

Our favorite rom-coms seem to find their sex windows at the most opportune moment.

In real life, this is rarely the case. 

If you want things to feel perfect before you allow yourself to ease into the moment, you’ll be waiting a very long time with very infrequent sexual experiences.

And we really don’t love that for you.

Let go of the idea of everything being perfect. You do NOT need to be perfectly groomed, freshly showered, totally sanitized and completely put-together, before you allow your partner to use their hands and mouth on you.

Bodies do body things — that’s part of sex. Bodies sweat. They have textures and scents and physiological responses to things. Foreplay isn’t meant to feel sterile — it’s meant to feel human.

4. Receiving Is A Learned Skill

Learning anything takes time and practice. Yet, when it comes to sex, we just assume everyone should know what they’re doing — and that assumption creates so many complications around sex.

If it feels weird, or hard to relax — it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.

It actually means:

1. You and/or your partner haven’t learned the right techniques for your body yet
   and
2. You haven’t had enough positive experiences receiving to really activate pleasure, lower your guard, and get into the moment
   

The truth is: receiving is actually a learned skill. It takes presence, safety, vulnerability, and communication — and a partner who’s eager to pleasure you.

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How To Enjoy Receiving Oral

Oral often feels more intimate than intercourse, because your most private parts are up-front-and-center — and yet, with the right techniques, it’s one of the most pleasurable forms of sex (especially for women).

Here’s how to actually enjoy oral in the moment:

1. Technique Feedback Loop

Start by focusing on sensation, not performance. Close your eyes. Tune into what feels good and where. Slow your mind, pay attention to what’s happening inside your body. Focus on what sensations feel best and communicate them with your partner.

Think of communication as a form of validation. 

“Mmm, that feels good” or “Do that thing again” tells your partner what you’re enjoying, and gives them confirmation that they are doing something right.

If they’re doing something that’s not working for you, directing them to something that is, helps you stay stimulated and gives them the reward of your pleasure.

2. You Don’t Have To Do Anything (But You Can)

We’ve heard time and time again that men and women alike don’t know what to do with their hands while receiving oral. We’re here to tell you there’s no right or wrong.

You are allowed to:

• Do nothing
• Relax 
• Breathe
• Receive
• Make sounds
• Not make sounds

If you DO want to do something, here are some options:

• Hold your partner’s shoulders. This keeps their hands free, but feels surprisingly connective, creating a flow of energy between the two of you. 
• If you’re a woman, touch your breasts. It’ll feel amazing and be a major turn on for your partner.
• If you’re a man, play with your partner’s hair. You can tuck it behind their ears or run your fingers through it. This creates more connection between the two of you, telling your partner I’m here, this is hot.

3. Creating Space For Intimacy

If you’re the one giving, there are several things you can do to help your partner relax, enjoy and experience the best oral of their life. 

Telling your partner, “I have all the time in the world…” signals you’re not going anywhere and you’re invested in their pleasure. You can follow it up with something like “As long as you’re good, I’m happy. I’ll keep going until you tell me to stop.”

Immediately, you’ve put the power in their hands making it clear that “orgasm” doesn’t have to be the goal. It’s about pleasure, right now, in this way. 

Even simpler, you can say something like, “No rush babe, we can take this as slow as you want.” This works for moments where things are heating up and you’re excited, but you sense there might be expectation to orgasm, and you want to take off the pressure.

👉 Learn about the Female Orgasm HERE.

Pair your intention with your actions — slow down your hands and/or mouth. Take your time. Check in on their pleasure asking “How does this feel” or “Do you like that?”

It’s actually incredibly intimate and hot to ask questions and get feedback. It builds trust, and over time, your partner will relax more into it.

Want SPECIFIC techniques that will blow your partner’s mind?
👉 Give The Best Blow Job Ever
👉 Face-Sitting 101

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How To Get More (And Better) Foreplay In Real Life

After polling our audience of millions of people, the jury is in and everyone wants more foreplay. 

We’ve found a few effective ways to communicate this desire to your partner, without creating conflict or implying they aren’t doing enough. When wanting more foreplay gets framed as a complaint, it’s easy for your partner to hear criticism. But when you frame it around connection, the conversation feels a lot safer and a lot more productive.

How Do You Ask For More Foreplay?

Don’t say:

• “You never do enough foreplay”
• “Why do you never go down on me?”
• “You’re always rushing through”
• “I want more from you”

Try this instead:

• “I feel more connected when we slow things down”
• “I enjoy intimacy more when there’s less pressure”
• “It helps me get out of my head when we focus on connection first”

This shift is really important because you’re sharing what works for you, not pointing out what they’re doing wrong. You’re also inviting your partner into your experience, instead of putting them on defense. This way, you’re framing foreplay as something that benefits both of you. 

Foreplay is at its best when it’s approached as something you do together.

👉 Listen and learn more: Foreplay Frustrations: How To Get More (And Better) Foreplay

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The Best Foreplay Techniques

If you’re nodding along but still thinking: “Okay great, but what do I actually do with my hands, mouth, tongue etc…”

We’re really glad you asked. Most people don’t struggle with foreplay because they don’t care.

They struggle because no one ever showed them how to do it in a way that works for real bodies, real relationships, and real life.

Feeling like you don’t know what you’re doing creates stress and stress (in this way), kills pleasure. 

That’s why we created The Ultimate Foreplay Guides.

Inside The Ultimate Foreplay Guides, we take all the concepts you’ve just read about and turn them into clear, confidence-building action that’ll have you and your partner leveling up your foreplay overnight.

Here’s what’s inside:

• Step-by-step instructions for 100+ proven foreplay techniques
• Clear guidance for hands, mouths, toys, and full-body touch
• Techniques designed to create pleasure faster without rushing
• Positions and approaches that are actually comfortable and sustainable
• Tools that help you stop overthinking and start feeling confident

Want to give your partner an orgasm with fingering alone?

What about the kind of handjob that’ll have them moaning for more?

Ever heard of the Octopus? 

Or the Double Trouble?

These are the kinds of techniques you’ll find in The Ultimate Foreplay Guides. 

👉 Explore The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here!

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Have The Best Sex Of Your Life

Foreplay isn’t a prequel to sex. It isn’t something you rush through to get to the “real” thing. It is the thing that takes sex from “meh” to mindblowing. And we so want that for you. 

The reason so many couples feel stuck in flat, repetitive, or disconnected sex lives isn’t because they’re broken or incompatible. It’s because they’ve been handed a script that prioritizes penetration over presence, performance over pleasure, and speed over connection.

When you redefine sex beyond intercourse, understand how desire actually works, slow yourselves down, get out of your head, and learn how to both give and receive with intention, your sex life shifts.

When you change your mindset and sharpen your technique, you stop treating foreplay like a box to check and start realizing it’s a powerful tool for deeper intimacy.
If you want better, hotter, more orgasmic sex — the answer isn’t doing intercourse better. It’s doing foreplay better.

Now go out there and touch each other like you mean it!