How To Get Your Man To Take Control In The Bedroom

May 19, 2022


You’re innocently folding the laundry, just minding your own business, when your partner comes up behind you, brushes your hair away from your ear and whispers “I want you. NOW.” They order you to take off your clothes. They push you down onto the bed, and ravage you from head to toe.

We’ve all had this fantasy, right? It’s SO sexy to think about your partner taking control.

But what is it about this control fantasy that’s so appealing?

You might be surprised to find out…

If you’ve ever wanted your (male) partner to take control in the bedroom, this episode is a must-listen!

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • The main reason women want men to take control in the bedroom
  • Why you might want to rethink or reframe this request
  • How to get your partner to be more assertive, even if they’re normally shy or reserved

Here’s a glance at this episode:

[01:48] Xander weighs in on why Vanessa saying “I want you to take control” used to be so challenging for him

[08:43] The most staggering poll we’ve EVER seen

[09:48] The main reason women want men to take control in the bedroom

[11:44] Vanessa talks about her reasons for wanting her partner to take control — you might be surprised to hear her answers!

[15:54] How this idea perpetuates outdated gender roles (and can confuse men)

[19:53] The different reactions men can have when they don’t want to take control

[23:35] “It’s the least you could do…”: The connection between mental load and taking control in the bedroom

[26:43] The Christian Grey Factor

[31:39] The first step in playing with control in the bedroom: get clear on what it means

[33:21] Why it’s so important to tell your partner the specifics of what you want

[37:37] How to play with WHO gets pleasure — this can be so fun

[40:40] Listener Question #1: “Can asking him to be more in control put pressure on him and affect his performance?”

[42:47] Listener Question #2: “He wants me to lead but I’m not interested in sex unless he’s taking charge. What do I do?”

[44:21] Listener Question #3: “How to rid yourself of assuming you aren’t as good at sex is he is, so he should lead.”

[47:18] Listener Question #4: “What do I do if my partner is generally very gentle and kind? It’s just hard for me to see them in any other way.”

Links & resources

Podcast Episode: Dry Spells

Podcast Episode: I Want You To Want Me

Podcast Episode: Mental Load

Podcast Episode: If You Had To Ask, Does It Even Count?

Initiation 101 Masterclass

Dirty Talk Guide

Foreplay Guides

Supercharge Your Confidence In The Bedroom Masterclass

Sex Position Playbook

Also listen on

Amazon Music Logo 2024
Pandora Logo 2024

hey there!