How To Get Your Man To Take Control In The Bedroom

May 19,2022

You’re innocently folding the laundry, just minding your own business, when your partner comes up behind you, brushes your hair away from your ear and whispers “I want you. NOW.” They order you to take off your clothes. They push you down onto the bed, and ravage you from head to toe.

We’ve all had this fantasy, right? It’s SO sexy to think about your partner taking control.

But what is it about this control fantasy that’s so appealing?

You might be surprised to find out…

If you’ve ever wanted your (male) partner to take control in the bedroom, this episode is a must-listen!

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Here’s a glance at this episode:

[01:48] Xander weighs in on why Vanessa saying “I want you to take control” used to be so challenging for him

[08:43] The most staggering poll we’ve EVER seen

[09:48] The main reason women want men to take control in the bedroom

[11:44] Vanessa talks about her reasons for wanting her partner to take control — you might be surprised to hear her answers!

[15:54] How this idea perpetuates outdated gender roles (and can confuse men)

[19:53] The different reactions men can have when they don’t want to take control

[23:35] “It’s the least you could do…”: The connection between mental load and taking control in the bedroom

[26:43] The Christian Grey Factor

[31:39] The first step in playing with control in the bedroom: get clear on what it means

[33:21] Why it’s so important to tell your partner the specifics of what you want

[37:37] How to play with WHO gets pleasure — this can be so fun

[40:40] Listener Question #1: “Can asking him to be more in control put pressure on him and affect his performance?”

[42:47] Listener Question #2: “He wants me to lead but I’m not interested in sex unless he’s taking charge. What do I do?”

[44:21] Listener Question #3: “How to rid yourself of assuming you aren’t as good at sex is he is, so he should lead.”

[47:18] Listener Question #4: “What do I do if my partner is generally very gentle and kind? It’s just hard for me to see them in any other way.”

Links & resources

Podcast Episode: Dry Spells

Podcast Episode: I Want You To Want Me

Podcast Episode: Mental Load

Podcast Episode: If You Had To Ask, Does It Even Count?

Initiation 101 Masterclass

Dirty Talk Guide

Foreplay Guides

Supercharge Your Confidence In The Bedroom Masterclass

Sex Position Playbook

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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!