A step-by-step guide for turning your fantasies into realities

October 27,2020

OK, so you’ve spent the time figuring out your fantasies, and talking about them with your partner

Now you’re ready to make your fantasy a reality!

Today I’ve got your back with my 7-step process for acting out your fantasies! 

Here’s exactly what to do!

Step #1: Take your time

A lot of people feel pressure to act on fantasies right away, but you really don’t need to rush, especially if you’re feeling uncertain or nervous! 

Give yourself time to think through the fantasy, decide what you feel comfortable with, work through the rest of the steps I’ve listed out below, and set things up properly.

Don’t worry – the fantasy will still be there for you once you’re ready!

Step #2: Make sure your partner understands exactly what you want

If you were at all nervous about sharing your fantasy with your partner, you may have skimmed over some of the details of what you were looking for. 

Some fantasies are simple and straightforward while others are more complex. You probably won’t have to do a ton of prep work to try out a new sex position, but if your fantasy is more elaborate, you’re going to want to break it down for your partner. 

Tell your partner, “You know how we were talking about that fantasy of mine? Here’s what I was thinking we could do…” then fill them in with any information that’s important for them to know. You can even send them articles or books for inspiration. 

Some people worry that sharing the specific details of their fantasies is a buzzkill, but it can be just the opposite!

Talking through exactly what you want to do to each other before you do it can be extremely erotic! Any sort of planning that you need to do ahead of time (gathering materials, scoping out locations, etc.) builds anticipation. You may even find this part of the process to be more pleasurable than the actual event itself!

Remember that if it’s your fantasy, it’s your responsibility to take charge of the legwork. It’s not fair to tell a partner, “I want you to make me your sex slave”, then not give any further directions. 

Step #3: Start small

You don’t have to jump into the deep end of the fantasy pool right away, especially if you’re nervous!

If your fantasy is detailed, or either you or your partner feel any hesitation whatsoever, try breaking the fantasy down into more manageable steps.

Try to identify what you or your partner really like about the fantasy. From there, see if you can identify ways to play with that central element without going all-in on the fantasy.

For example, let’s say you’ve always been a bit curious about being tied up during sex. You don’t need to whip out the ropes right away! Maybe you and your partner can watch some porn or read erotica that involves bondage. Maybe you can scope out a sex toy website and look at specific products. Maybe you can have your partner start by blindfolding you.

Step #4: Talk dirty

This step kinda falls into Step #3, but it’s important enough to warrant its own category!

One of the easiest ways to break a fantasy down into baby steps is to simply talk about your fantasy as you’re being intimate with each other. As you’re fooling around, talk through the fantasy with your partner as if you were doing it live. 

Dirty talk is particularly helpful because you can play around with your fantasies without actually changing your behaviors.

You may even find that you’re happy leaving the fantasy as a dirty talk topic only. 

For example, a lot of monogamous couples love talking about threesomes or group sex, but talking is as far as they’ll go. 

Again, the anticipation is half the fun, so there’s no need to rush into anything! 

Step #5: Lower your expectations

Ha! Bet you didn’t think I’d ever give you the advice to lower your expectations! But it’s true when it comes to enacting fantasies.

When fantasies are just in our heads, they usually unfold perfectly. 

No one fantasizes about fumbling with a lubed-up sex toy or farting in a super bendy position (Unless you’re into that kind of thing!)

But in the real world, acting out fantasies can be messy and awkward! 

Someone’s going to lose their erection, fall out of character, or get stuck in the handcuffs.

Just as it takes us all a while to get “good” at sex, it can take some time and practice to learn how to play with your fantasies. Each time you try, you’re likely to learn something new about acting out your fantasies.

Try to be patient, and have a sense of humor if things ever go awry. You’ll figure it out in time, and you’ll be so happy you did! 

Step #6: Play safe 

Does any aspect of your fantasy (or your partner’s) make you nervous? Before taking action, see if you can minimize those concerns. 

For example, with a threesome fantasy, you may be worried about freaking out when you see your partner penetrating another person. You could try having a threesome where your third watches you and your partner, or does everything up to penetration with the two of you.

You can also agree beforehand that either one of you can always stop in the middle and say, “You know what, I’m not loving this as much as I thought I would. Let’s go back to our usual thing.” 

Or afterwards, either one of you might want to say, “I think once was enough for me with that!”

Here are some other considerations:

If your fantasy is particularly elaborate, you can set you and your partner at ease by coming up with a gameplan for getting additional support if your fantasy play goes awry. For more intense fantasies, like pain play or bringing in another person, you may want to try scheduling a sex therapy session, so you know you’ll have a safe space to process what happened.

In most cases, thinking through the worst-case scenario is actually a great way to remind yourself that the stakes aren’t that high. For many fantasies, the worst that can happen is that you try something and don’t end up liking it!

Step #7: Take turns with your fantasies

Of course, you should be as generous with your partner’s fantasies as they are with yours. Make sure to ask them what their desires are, and give their fantasies as much space and effort as you give to yours.

Just as you’d want your partner to respect your desires and be willing to listen, you should show that same level of care to them. Do your best to consider their fantasies with an open mind. Remember the courage it takes to share a fantasy, and talk through it with them.

If you have a bunch of fantasies between the two of you, keep them in a shared Google Docs spreadsheet and work your way through them one at a time.

Or you can write them on slips of paper or use an online random number generator to pick the order for you! 

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HI THERE!

I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!